I am doing the online dating thing. I haven't met anyone horrible so far, but it seems like when someone seems to be into me or really seems to like me: wants to text me, wants to call me, wants to actually meet me, I start having these horrible panic attacks and worry episodes, where I will worry about every little thing they say, look for signs that maybe they are a stalker or "not right." Now it isn't with everyone so maybe that is a sign I am just being cautious, but I worry most when a guy is actually PAYING ATTENTION to me. I worry that may I am seeing red flags that aren't there and in the process will miss meeting "the one." Before I am even in a relationship I will worry that I will fall into a relationship that I can't get out of, or if I don't like them and tell them so that they will react "badly."

$$ TRIGGER ELEMENTS AHEAD##

Just recently I met this guy. I haven't even met him in person yet. We are meeting for the first time on Wednesday, but he has already asked me if I would like him to teach me Spanish? He's is Mexican. Or he will say stuff like he has a good feeling about me." Or like when I told him I was jobless, he offered to help me with my job search? Or today he texted me a picture of his dog, and said X is a nice boy, I am too! I will worry, why do you have to even say that? Aren't people who scream loudest they are this or that usually the polar opposite? But then again, he could just be genuinely nice and is just open. I met another guy on Christian Mingle, and though he doesn't see me as his perfect match he is sweet as can be. He has helped me with stuff around my house, and that was within a week after I met him. And that was NO STRINGS attached, so I think it is possible for a guy just to be a "nice guy" and not be a closet rapist, but then again I think it was tricked once before, what will make this guy any different? I trusted once before, he was nice to me too, and it turned out badly with me locked in a bathroom and raped.

I think it is a combo of that and I have never thought of this before. Please don't think I am a RACIST. But not long after I was raped by my neighbor, a new family moved into the house. They were a Mexican family, and they had a couple teenage boys. I am not saying what they did was because I they were Mexican, not at all! It was because they were plain evil!!!

%%%%% TRIGGER, ANIMAL ABUSE%%%%

I have always been an animal lover. Cats have always a part of my life. Well, my cat had just had kittens. And these boys that had previously been so nice to me, they had a couple of pit bulls. One day my mom and I come home and there is this flaming box at our door. It was my kittens. Another neighbor said she saw them take my kittens and feed them to their pit bulls, they then set their carcasses on fire. I never thought about it until today. I understand that being Mexican has nothing to do with it, just a coincidence that this guy whom I met that happens to be Mexican and is being nice to me too.

It is between all those things, and having my house broke into by a guy in a ski mask a couple weeks back with the intent of harming my roommate has brought those other things back up.

This is not my reaction with everybody, so maybe it is God's way of protecting me, but I do have a tendency toward major anxiety over things that pretty much NEVER HAPPEN!! Or I want to control everything for fear of something bad happening once i LOSE control.

I know someone else here has to relate. Thanks for listening.