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It means you're not ready to know whatever you think is written because the memories are too painful,

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OMG you are right. I could not fall asleep so I was laying on the sofa thinking. And this one extreme painful time ( as an adult) in my life came to my mind. So I starting thinking about that time in my life. And I discovered there are blanks. The pieces I can not connect to are the most painful. That part of the memory is gone. Just like the childhood memories.

I hide my pain. It is true. I can understand now. The extreme painful times in my adult life, I know they happened. I just don't have access to the pain and pieces of the experience seem to have vanished... I do believe this is a pattern.....The not so extreme painful memories I have access to. I can remember all that happened.. Wow... I do believe the light bulb just turned on... The reason I can not remember much about my childhood is because it is too painful for me to accept.. First time I can say that I have acknowledged or recognized or internalized this to be the why... OMG..