hey,

such a lovely, happy title, isn't it? lol.

as I have recently discovered, that I perhaps sleep really poorly and not deep enough. That's why I have been exhausted every single day in the last almost 8 months.

it's easy to tell that I can't sleep deep due to my inner frustration.
This mainly is because I had a bad relationship, and my ex girlfriend basically just bulldozed over me, totally crippling me, always hurting me, treating me really really like crap.
I mean, whatever I did, nothing could please her. And of course I tried till the very last bit of energy I had, when I gave up, I got totally mentally ill, and since then couldn't get out of it. My problem is, I think, that I am actually angry at her, and of course angry at myself for staying in a long relationship like that, which I didn't even realize was really bad for me.
I have nightmares of beating her up, or just randomly fighting with random people on the streets. And then I wake up fuken exhausted.
I go to therapy twice a week, which is fine, and time makes it better of course, but sometimes I feel like I really wanna punch someone or something, or perhaps her. In the face, and that would solve the problem. I am totally not aggressive, and never been in a fight before (except once when someone nearly knocked me out). I brokeup with this girl because all the pain she caused to me, but I still feel like I'm not satisfied, there's something missing, for me to get over this frustration. And I have no idea what to do. There are people telling me to "move on", and "let it go", which is obviously my goal, but even if I try to do stuff during the day, it still gets to me in nightmares, and really bad sleep.
I try to control my sleep with alprazolam, but it can't solve my mental issue. I know I'm going in the right direction, but I just don't know how to effectively let out the frustration. I feel like I sort of want revenge on her, but I know that's stupid, and I know that the main cause of my depression is not her.

Should I start boxing randomly? just in my room? would that help?
i have no idea.
i wanna have my life back, but without normal sleep that's impossible.

thank you for reading!