I feel like I am in constant hell still after several years because I never got any closure.

a couple years ago I had a female therapist I had for 2 years, I was very attached to her and she knew I was from the beginning, I was open with her about it.. I didn't want to be, and I felt like it was constant hell. i hated being so close with her, and she did it to me.. i know she had to attach me to treat me. for 2 years i delt with a lot of personal boundries crossed that i didn't not even now was being crossed until i addressed my feelings and what was going on with other therapist. they wanted me to stop seeing her they told me it was a very unprofessional relationship and did not believe she was going to beable to help. i couldn't quit seeing her i was to attached.
for years she knew about my trauma small details, so it was not like she was unforeign to what happened to me. and for years she wanted to know what happened in a full descriptive detailed narrative. So finally i decided that i was at point in my life, that my trauma repeated itself over and over again. So i wrote a narrative, i let her read it first.. she flipped out in her head, saying what happened to me was so sadistic, and she told me she was going to be sick and she was going to puke. it made me feel very uncomfortable.. my trauma was rape and i don't like disclosing this information for this reason,, she said off the wall things to me when and while she was reading it. after that, she acted at first like she didn't want to see me when i showed up for a session she said she canceled it and called me, no she didn't! so sitting in front of her and her telling me she didn't want to have the session that day, i told her i hated her, she kept saying "please don't say that".. what was i suppose to be happy i felt like she didn't want me because of my trauma.. she continued to see me, and this time wanted me to read it to her. . i did it, and she told me why she acted the way she did when she read it.. she said everytime she looked at me she seen herself, .. the words that constantly repeat in my head when i think about my trauma now is her saying "it was like him doing this to a 4 year old, blonde haired child".. not understanding because i was 15 years old when my trauma occurred.. she told me she had to talk to someone about it. also kept telling me she could not believe he did this to me it was as hard for her to talk about as it was for me?.. and she was mad, not at me but she was mad. she was all over the place. next session i could not read it to her, i felt like it was to hard and could not concentrate on anything but her feelings towards it.i felt like a child and i could not defend myself against her like i normally could and then she told me i was better and did not need counseling anymore. i believed her until i got home and thought about it.. i flipped out, i cried for months, like a baby having its blanky taken away i wrote her on fb, she didn't respond back right away more like 6mths later.. it was a fail, i wanted closure.. first she admitted to doing nothing wrong and she was the greatest counselor that ever lived, and i had nothing to be sorry about.. that i was the one who did not return, and she could give me back our counseling/client relationship.. i felt like she was like my mommy in the situation.. she told me the reason why she responded that way was because i was describing my feelings so clearly she felt them.. well those r not my feelings about my trauma about a month later i wanted her to know that.. i told her i know you are lying, that's not the way i feel about my trauma so those were your feelings. i told her not respond, i did not want to know anymore.. and she did telling me she needed to respond as a person not a therapist. and told me she was sorry admitting up to things. i tried to go back to her, the agency wont allow it and i feel like they are punishing me, and i feel horrible about my trauma.
i am working with a therapist now, and she is the same therapist i went to right after i quit seeing this therapist. and she don't understand, my feelings i still have for this therapist. it hurt me so bad, i want it to go away.. like i cry for her all of the time. and now when i think about my trauma i think of how my therapist responded, part of my trauma is therapy now.. it felt more traumatic what my therapist did to me than my original trauma.. feel like i should of listened and left her before i disclosed my trauma.. sad thing is after all of this if she wanted me back i would go back to her. and i DO NOT WANT A PERSONAL RELTIONSHIP with this women and i am scared of that, , i want her as my therapist, i really don't think having a personal relationship with her would help, it would make things worse.. as she cant distinguish her job and her life. i feel bad, like i hurt her so bad because of my trauma..
what did i do? why didn't she give me to someone else if she cared about me? why will they not let me go back to her or is it her that don't want me back cuz he told me i could come back to her? why does the whole agency treat me like its all my fault?
i really need help on this, i am married and it has effected my husband profoundly too.. he was the one who picked my phone up and ead it when i got the FB messages from her and it pissed him off.. this too. . he needs a therapist and he cant even go that agency because he don't want to deal with her, and take me there.. because i feel very triggered with the whole place. if i go there i start crying and i get very angry.. and i have bpd,, and my symptoms start acting up and mood swings go back and fourth.. its like i am not stable after i go there. . .i don't know how to deal with this.. am i going to think about it for the rest of my life, is she going to be a constant reminder just like the guy who inflicted the trauma is on me. i don't want it like this no more i had enough of it. i mean did i cross a boundry with her?? i just did what she asked me to do. oh man.
and i slept with a male therapist, i hate it.. oh my, i don't know why.. he was my case manager when i was seeing this therapist that responded to my trauma that way.. and he knew.. i talked about my trauma with him and then he touched me in a very weird way.. about a week later i let him come over and we did have sex..
i am sorry, i just don't know what to do or what is a wrong with me.. in anyway do i ant anyone to feel sorry for me. i own up to my doings. i just don't know what r mine or what r theres.. again i felt like a child,, i think that's why i allowed him to do anything with me.. i felt like i did with her.. but i don't want him no more.. this is hard for me.. he liked what my female therapist did.. i told the therapist i am seeing again about him, i told him i told her.. and he is mad.. its like i am good enough for them to cross the lines, but i am not goo enough for them to lose it.. an by that i mean i am good enough for them to play with but when it comes to the truth they don't want to lose there job. i am very upset and do not understand.. i need some answers,, i will not get them from her, only way is going to have to be personal.. and i don't want that. i don't know.. as far as him.. id even care . .i don't want notthin to do with that anymore. what is a wrong with therapist and me.