Much to think about Ben-- thank you for taking the time to reply-- I really really appreciate it!

First, this is the 5th time in the almost 3 years with this therapist that I've contemplated quitting...... I fear getting close-- yet desire it so much, and fear if I let someone down they will leave me or tell me to leave-- so I tend to be the one to "run" first..... I've quit every job I've ever had within about 18 months of starting. (just realized this while seeing my current therapist--I used to believe there were VALID excuses to quitting).

About expecting permanent changes --- well I think my dream is actually flipped from what's really going on..... the psychologist pushes for permanent change and it scares the *heck* out of me! I've never meant to, but it's been noticed by my psychologist, that I dissociate in such situations(when I'm feeling pushed).... I've been embarrassed about him noticing that.

I think you're right on about wine being associated with relaxation(I think of it that way). It does amaze me and I've pointed it out to my psychologist-- how he can appear to be so relaxed yet at the same time I'm feeling such anxiety--like I'm on the "hot seat"!! Maybe that's why I didn't have any wine with him in my dream-- relaxation doesn't exist for me in therapy.

About the hairdresser part.....Here's an inner secret that most don't know about me....... I loathe getting my hair done...... I don't care for small talk and struggle to feel comfortable with someone that is so close physically to me. I've always cut, fixed and colored my hair on my own.... the only time I go to the hairdressers is once a year to get a Perm.(helps my hair to hold styles)

Recently in a session, I felt VERY defensive and went away feeling like he doesn't "get" me at all!!! or else he wouldn't have said what he said..... but I've not talked to him about that session..... if I show defensiveness I fear it will be mirrored in the person I am interacting with-- which then only further escalates my defenses!! argh!!! ---this kind of situation can be the reason I quit some things.... I really am afraid of confrontation-- I don't want to be the bad guy.

Hope this post didn't seem to be all over the place-- I get a bit jumbled when I try to express my inner-self.

thanks again for your ideas and thoughts-- they're very thought provoking.

mandy