For as long as I can remember I have struggled the ups and downs of what I have always considered BPD. But for a lot of reasons I have kept it a secret. I have a wonderful job as a technical Manager and I've been trying to get through gender reassignment as as fare as the professorial are concerned everything is wonderful.when I've hit a high or low I've simply held on for dear life and pushed my way through it.

3 years ago I could not keep it hidden and told everyone I was tired and under a lot of stress at work and I would be OK despite the overdose attempt.

17 years ago when I tried to kill myself I blamed it on a full on break down and moved on.

3 weeks ago I tried to kill myself by taking a lot of pain killers left over from some surgery I had last year. But this time I have opened up and explained that while they only see the times it runs out of control, from way before the first incident 17 years ago it has been a constant battle with depression flicking into massive highs.

I'm in that limbo stage here in the UK when I'm discharged from my the A&E department and my GP makes a referral for the real help that I need mental health team when I'm incompletely on my own.

I've not slept for a week now as I've hit a high and my brain is turning into a mush. The high is a nightmare and I'm fighting the urge to kill myself. I have the mass of energy but i don't experience the bliss and joy stage of mania. I just get frustrated with myself and with those around me and that burns up friends at a massive rate of knots.

It's gotten so bad that when I see my GP tomorrow that I'm going to ask him to admit me into a mental hospital. While I is not what I want, I think it is what I need and if it results in treatment and or medication that helps I don't care what it takes or what I have to go through.

I don't know what the next few days will bring but I do know that it won't be fun.

Sorry for such a rubbish intro, I'v been reading this forum for a while and have a lot of respect for so many of you I tough I wound reach out and share. Maybe I can do a proper into once I get through the next week or so,

Debs