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Originally Posted by winter4me
I think it is a shame you had bad experiences with therapists, it seems like you have issues that would be well dealt with over time with a therapist you can trust.
Do you want to be in a relationship that would lead to sex? Meaning, do you feel sexually attracted to men? Women? Both? You might want to check out the gender issues forum if yes but having issues. You say you wouldn't worry about a girl hurting you---have you been abused? (you don't have to answer that of course)--- I think, if you do begin a relationship, and it is fine for a girl to express an interest in a man, and it is also ok to set some boundaries at the start in regards to physical contact etc. I'm a little unclear on the guy you had the problem with----did you continue to contact him after he told you not to? You say he wanted to talk to you. Do you know what about? Has he spoken with you in a way that was not mean? With him, I would recommend no contact at this point.
Nothing you have said about yourself would be a deal breaker.
Do you still self-harm? If so, please do check out that forum to talk with others who do and have done the same. It sounds like you may have to work on developing your own interests, get involved in some activities that don't feel threatening where you can be around people without having to be "with" someone.
You might even want to give therapy another try...if you find someone you can trust it can be a great help. We all feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and otherwise uncertain at times, it is hard to open up but important to be able to do that some place that is safe for you.
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That event happened almost two years ago. And I don't plan on getting over it anytime soon really. He has since started at least acting nice to me, although I probably won't have more contact with him because I graduated.
I do want to be in a sexual relationship. I think I am occasionally sexually attracted to men...just not on the same level as typical "straight" girls. And I'm either repulsed by them or attracted to them, there isn't too much grey area, so I can't imagine dating someone I wasn't VERY attracted to. I just have trouble telling who I'm really attracted to and who I just bond to easier. I'm trying to gauge my sexual interest in whether or not I would ever be able to allow foreplay and whether or not I'd be turned off by it or not. Or by the thought of it at least. Based on this criteria, I would say, I'm attracted to one guy, who I haven't seen in a year. I'm not sure if I'll ever see him again. Also, if I did make the first move, it would scare him off. I don't think he would react rudely, but I probably wouldn't even have the chance to be friends with him because he would be more scared/intimidated around me than he was.
And this is what would happen with virtually any guy, so if I make the first move, I look like a predator.
I've been involved in other things that put me around people, but it makes me feel worse to be around people who are with other people (or have been at least) and I haven't. How do I relate to them? It just makes me upset.
I do still occasionally self-harm, but it's not really a problem anymore.
If there was a way to "screen" potential therapists so I could search through several dozen without having to go to an actual appointment with each, I might consider going back to therapy. But I really have a hard time seeing it helping.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inedible
You were saying that you are consistently attracted to men who end up being cruel to you. I am saying that the next one you find yourself attracted to will probably also be cruel to you, unless you are willing to consider breaking the pattern. There may be men in your life already who are interested in you who you would not normally consider. Or women, like you are saying.
The midwest is a big region. As far as I have seen it is acceptable for the woman to express interest first. That is, in Kansas, Illinois, and Iowa. In general, actually, it is common for the woman to be in charge; even when the man appears to get things going, it is usually after picking up on signs that his interest will be welcome.
Maybe some martial arts classes would help with your confidence. Aikido, for example.
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That's why I completely disregard any attraction I have for anyone (male or female). It's inappropriate anyway usually. It always seems inappropriate to think of someone in that way, and I'm quite ashamed of some of the thoughts I've had.
I might take up something like archery or fencing, but probably not martial arts because:
1. With martial arts you have to touch other people (or come into direct contact with them) and they would touch you.
2. There's a much higher chance of getting hit in the face and destroying any hope of a career as a musician with martial arts.
I'm not sure that my body would be able to stand up to it...I was trying out bows earlier and it might do more harm than good to my body. Oh well, maybe I just haven't found the right bow yet.