Hi everyone( and I do mean everyone)

So, things are.... going. I wouldn't say they are going well or badly, just going. I sort of feel like we're in autodrive. Things get done, days go by... but I'm disconnected. It's a weird sort of settled feeling. But, more like I'm NOT feeling really at all.

splitting occuring a bit less as of lately, but on the side of that comes alot alot of head chatter. They are there but it's like either we are all stuck where we are, or just not willing to come out. I am kind of sad at this. I still don't really have the ability to communicate directly with others very well(small, small small amounts - sometimes i feel like i can communicate a feeling or picture better than I can communicate actual thoughts)and so I feel alot like I am being pulled in several directions at once.

On the off side, I'm maintaining my art. I think if anywheres the others come out it would be here. There are styles that I can't personally claim to be my own, and sometimes I sort of drift off and there are pictures there when I've come back.

Things that are well in our lives here- kitten is growing, into a strong eight month old cat. we are kind of sad he is no longer little bitty, but happy that he's turning out happy and healthy(and verry snuggly. and what's better than a snuggly cat? not much i think!) the other cats have bonded well with him and now we have a nice little household.

STILL waiting for disability benefits but it looks like things should be in line within the month. FINALLY. I literally could collapse with releif. No thanks to a social worker who was explaining nothing to me and giving me nothing but greif - he directed me to the entirely wrong process and now I have had to start all over again. anyways, he seems to have had a change of heart as of late and is being civil again, so I have guardedly given him another chance on my not-so-bad list.

Another diagnosis. Borderline Personality Disorder, and apparently fairly severe. Though Pdoc did say that she recognizes that I don't anger, in fact I can't show anger. I had read some about the disorder and grew concerned when I read that it comes with quick and easy rage/anger - something I have never experienced. But, the parts about seeing things in black and white, feeling like I feel too much emotion or none at all conversly, feeling TERRIFIED at seperation from those close to me.. all definetly in line.

Juggling meds around to try and get things better. Coming off effexor right now is the biggest nightmare I have encountered in a while (and I get those every night now too- phooey) The first night they cut me down by 37.5 mg I cut for the first time in like six months. Horrible night. Cried all night. Split a bunch of times. The feeling of withdrawl from it is AWFUL. Brain shocks, heart palpitations and anxiety.

Started taking risperidal. Seems to definetly have calming effect. I think thats part of the reason we are all sort of dazed at the moment. Hopefully that will pass.

Anyways, I don't have a whole lot more to say. Time is running short and I'm still at the library. Take care, and I am thinking of all of you.