My husband, to whom I have been married 23 years, smokes cigarettes and has since he was a teen; he's 70 this year. My parents smoked but I never have but still I thought it was no big deal, I have my habits and he has his. But his habit makes him and his breath smell bad and, if I'm in a car with him in winter, make me and my hair/clothes smell bad. When possible we eat places that allow him to smoke and, because I'm fond of him, I am around him a lot. I have asthma and the smoking is a stressor for me; if I have one other stressor at the same time (say, a cat on my lap) I am at my limit and a third stressor (fire in the fire place) will put me over the edge. I could easily develop other problems because of his smoking around me.

But the worst thing about my husband smoking is how self-involved he is, how enmeshed he is in his smoking. If we arrive at a destination and he's just lit a cigarette, we have to wait until he finishes the cigarette, he won't put it out. He is extremely accomplished but will not try to give up smoking because he does not believe he can. He gave it up once, for about a month, but had a horrible boss leaning on him so took it up again.

I put myself in harm's way because I love my husband and enjoy being with him. But I could do without his smoking. He loves me too but his habit is older than our relationship and, in some ways, stronger.