Hi everyone,

PC has become a bit of a lifeline to me since I joined in March. Just reading thru & trying to answer posts or sending hugs gives me some sense of ...something like relief, being in contact with others.

A lot of you who use this forum regularly have seen my posts and know that I'm pretty stuck in this depression.

I feel down and hopeless 24/7. I never feel a sense of accomplishment or usefulness from doing the things that I do - like when I clean the house, shower, or do some odd jobs. I never feel joy or see anything as beautiful anymore. Nothing feels interesting, so I don't do a whole lot. It doesn't interest me to go out biking or hiking, etc....things I used to enjoy I experience no enjoyment in, and I can't seem to develop new interests - there's nothing I want to do. I've tried "fake it till you make it", going thru the motions...doesn't work for me. My depression was set off by circumstances about a year ago - feeling of losing everything. I don't seem to be able to make my way forward.

I want to spend a lot of time in bed, because though I'm not a good sleeper and never nap, it's a bit more comfortable, sometimes easier to dull out in bed and push the unhappiness away. Of course I still feel miserable in bed and cry a lot, but it's a bit pacified. And there's nothing to "do" with my time that interests me, so I might as well stay in bed.

Nothing relaxes me anymore or makes me happy. Every day when I wake up I think oh no, another day, I don't want this one, how will I make it thru. And then somehow I do, painfully. I exist for the day. And then another. I try now to zone out as much as possible, but it's also not so easy to zone out. And doesn't seem like much of a life.

There's nothing I grab on to that keeps me going. I simply force myself to get thru another day and hope that it's another one ticked off a calendar. Suicide is not an answer or something I want, though I don't want to go thru the day. I don't know if that seems contradictory to you.

I am very physically healthy, and sometimes feel guilty because feel that I'm wasting a perfectly good life, while others have "real" problems like terrible health situations, etc.

I've been trying antidepressants since beginning of Jan., through a crisis centre that is kindly helping me even though they're only a walk in centre. This is the only resource available to me at this time. The past 2 had no effect, and I'm still wishing that this one, Prozac, has an effect (it's been 2.5 weeks). They told me to wait for a month and then call if it hasn't had an effect.

It's so hard to wait it out when you're at the end of your rope as it were. I did that on the past 2 SSRIs as well. I really remember the first time going when the psych nurse said take this, and get good exercise and food, and you'll really start feeling better. I had some hope. Now I rarely exercise unless I have to bike somewhere, and eating properly is often a problem - I am too upset to eat or unmotivated, don't see the point.

Now my head often feels like it's going to explode, I feel so emotionally upset and overwhelmed that I feel I can't hang on every day, even though I somehow do. As time goes on, it's been a year I'm depressed now, I feel more hopeless, like I can't get better.

Nothing I've read or done seems to help. I have little willpower to change anything now. Sometimes I try to remember to say some positive things to myself during the day for example you just did a job that was helpful to someone, good work.

Now I think I'm rambling and it's been hard to write clearly all along. This is too long of a post. What can I do? I'm really desperate and not knowing what to do.

Thanks so much for listening, it means a lot to me that you're here.

Gracez