Hello dear readers, nice to meet you, I am new here... I came here to seek advice on my issue, because I'm in a really messed up place right now.

Me and my partner have been together a total of 7 years. We met when I was 16, now I'm 22 (no children). Most of my development as an adult has been around him, thus I'm very confused about my life.

He has always been very handsome, smart, outgoing and open-minded. Those things attracted me to him and they still do. But I think the dark side of these qualities is narcissism, need to be in control and a manipulative nature. I have told him all this, and he denies it. He says he's surprized how little I know about him for being together almost a decade. He says my low self-esteem distorts my view on our relationship and sometimes I question my feelings, because I do have self-esteem issues. I fear failure and I dread being controlled. Those are the buttons he pushes most often - critisizing me, being dissapointed by my failures and often subtly trying to make me do everything the right (his) way.

For the first 4 years I thought our relationship was normal, because I had no other example. But then I met my best friend, and when I saw how her boyfriend was treating her, I was stunned, envious, confused, because she had none of the problems I did. Then I began questioning mypartner 's behavior, reading about psychological abuse and, generally, geting a bit paranoid.

My partner is not a bad man. He's faithful, has solid morals and sometimes does very kind things for me. I may sound greedy, but they are not enough, YET they anchor me to him. If I had to find a metaphor for this, I'd say it's like hitting yourself with a hammer, only to experience how good it feels when you stop.

I am worried about who I am. Sometimes he subtly/jokingly wants to take credit for my development as an adult. Since I've been with him for so long, it is believable from time to time. The worst thing is for the most part I don't like the person who I am when with him. I am anxious, snappy, sometimes even hostile and my guard is always up. I have lost all desire to be nice, make him feel special, etc. And he complains about it, saying I don't treat him right.

In short: I feel we're not right for eachother. I want to leave, but I am scared that my judgement is wrong, that I blame my problems on him. He is all I have ever known - all my memories and sentiments, and that seems hard to leave behind.

Any advice would be much appreciated.