To put it bluntly, I feel like society's obsession with joy and happiness, and the modern "self help" culture really kind of screwed me over. I know it's my own misuse or misinterpretation of it, but I have recently had the major revelation that I have been lying to myself for years. Why? I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. While I'm a skeptic at heart, I've been desperate enough to try anything. I spent years doing guided meditations, reading books about how to change behaviors, and in general I attached to the belief that you can be happy by practicing. So I tried to think positively, especially with the affirmations resolutions about how I'm really okay, no one else can see your anxiety so it's not a big deal, just work through the pain and it'll go away.

I never had so much optimism to think that I could actually achieve happiness, but at the least I wanted to not be depressed. So I kept telling myself I wasn't, hoping it would be true someday. Mostly I just ended up feeling nothing, good or bad.

After this understanding that this just wasn't working, now I realize that ignoring it did not mean it wasn't there. Just sweeping it under the rug. Telling myself I was okay did not make it true, it just made it impossible for me to know what I was actually feeling. I think this was the worst thing for me - now that I'm trying to recognize it, it's very hard to identify emotions because I've covered them up with lies for so long. I also think I was strongly driven by shame. Because it's bad to be depressed, you need to get over it, fight it, strive to make yourself better.

Kind of like taking dieting advice from supermodels.

Now that I can see it, I'm trying to just let myself be in whatever state I'm in. If I'm sad, that's just how I am right now, and there's nothing okay or wrong about it. It just is what it is. It's still difficult and uncomfortable, but at this point, I think it's more productive to be sad and understand and accept it than to be sad and not know it. It's not sick or wrong to want to dwell in your suffering and drag yourself further down, and when you're ready you can come out the other side and move forward, accepting and taking that part of yourself with you rather than trying to leave it behind as if it belonged to someone else.

Not trying to discredit self-help or other coping techniques - I know I twisted and everything I learned, even though I thought I was making an earnest attempt at it. But when I realized what I was doing, I was overwhelmed and felt scammed and betrayed. Maybe once I can accept what I already am, then I can move forward without trying to leave myself behind. I am curious if anyone else has had this experience/feeling.