I am just exhausted. i have a hangover. again. in fact its possible im still drunk though that would be weird because i stopped drinking over twelve hours ago. i think.

i dont know if i have a problem or not but i certainly know im using alcohol for something i shouldnt be. i have blackouts quite a bit and once theres alcohol around its almost impossible most of the time for me to even remember that saying no is a possibility.

this morning like so many mornings i feel like im barely hanging on by my fingertips. i just want to let go and sob and crumble and i cant because i have to get up, shower, go to lectures, pretend to be normal. i even have a T appointment this evening and i just cant face telling her i blacked out again. i already feel like cr*p about how much ive told her about my drinking. if i keep being honest instead of covering up like my instincts are screaming to do im afraid i might not have the courage to go back.

how do you even get to the point where you want to give up? i cant seem to cut back. it just doesnt work because if i dont drink for a while then i just end up overdoing it when i do have a glass again. i want to have some control over this because i simply can not imagine how i could live my life if i could never drink again. i have problems socialising and getting to know people anyway so without a drink i think i would just have to give up even trying. i think i would just curl up and die. how illogical is that?! lol. and yet it feels real.

so basically i have a question. how do i get to the point of wanting to give it up and how is it possible to function and go out and meet and talk to people without drinking?? thank you for reading this pathetic drivel. all thoughts are appreciated.