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I'm sorry you're going through this. To state the obvious, you're clearly having a lot of trouble regulating your emotions on a moment to moment basis. You say you don't have a therapist, but is there any way you can get one? I think I read elsewhere that you're not interested in taking meds at the moment (don't know if that's still the case), but either way I think therapy may be able to help a lot. It's hard work, but often worth it!
Good luck.
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