I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow night, and I plan on talking about how I've been feeling and ask for a referral. I don't know if I can actually do it though... I have a hard time asking for help and admitting something is wrong.

Over Christmas I had gout in my foot and couldn't walk. I couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. It's happened a few times since then. Last time, about a month ago, I made an appointment and we changed my blood pressure meds so I'm no longer taking a diuretic (hydrochlorothiazide) which may have been causing it. Previously I was taking the diuretic in a pill combined with another medication (remipril), but now the other one is a different generic in a capsule form.

Almost immediately I felt more energetic. This is one of the reasons I feel strong enough to deal with my depression (see my previous post). I used to get winded walking to my car every day. Since then I've experienced intense anxiety symptoms and haven't been sleeping much. I don't think that I am worrying or thinking about anything when it happens, it's just the physical sore feeling of my holding my chest and stomach muscles tight like I've been shivering. I've also had some periods of shaking. I've tried breathing exercises, relaxation, etc... Nothing makes it go away. Sunday I felt fine most of the day, then I went to the grocery store and it started in the car.

I suspect that my new anxiety problems are related to this change. It could be this is due to my decision to talk about my depression. I'm scared though that it may be the new reality for me and that the increased energy is getting turned into anxiety. This is all very different from what I'm used to. I'm used to being able to sleep for 12 hours, though I did have problems falling asleep from time to time. I'm used to having some sort of reason for being anxious. I definitely preferred being depressed and not having the physical energy to do anything rather than being depressed, in pain and don't want to do anything.

I have no idea what is going to happen if I bring it up. I want the referral right away... I hope any medical stuff can be checked while I'm waiting for that to happen. I don't know if I should accept any medication that my doctor would prescribe right now... I'm not against taking medication again, but that can wait. Then again with all the changes I want something to change right now.

I desperately want to be in therapy again. I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about what went wrong last time, but I feel really motivated to deal with those problems. I need to talk to someone out loud. I haven't told my wife how I've been feeling. I told her about my depression many years ago, before we started dating, and it's not come up since. She's been making comments lately, and asking if I'm ok, so I suspect she knows something is going on. It's not that I don't trust her, or don't want her to know... I just can't do it. I freeze up and nothing comes out. This was one of my problems in therapy. I couldn't communicate what I was thinking or feeling.

I need help asking for help. If I don't do it tomorrow, I don't know if I ever will.