I avoided having friends for 15 years. Not really consciously, instinctively. When I'd start getting close to someone, I'd push away hard and they'd go never to return, and I would let them. Not enough of a bond was there to make me hold on...

Last year, I allowed myself to make a friend. All of my bad tendancies came out. I was overly sympathetic/empathetic to everything they did, I pushed and pulled and manipulated to keep them close, and I talked, talked to someone about how I felt for the first time in many, many years. They ultimately left and I don't blame them. I became too much for anyone to be able to handle.

Now, I don't know how to return to that state; of being happy with myself. I'm constantly getting too close to people, primarily on here, and then not knowing what to do with myself. I feel neglected when they don't talk to me but I don't want to be beholden to them. They say they will do things and when they fall through of no fault of their own I get angry to the point of raging. All of my feelings and emotions are being controlled by people I don't even know, and I don't know how to make it stop. Note: they are not doing anything on purpose to cause this; it is all me. I want to be independent again, I want to feel in control, I want to have an ounce of self-worth and self dignity and this takes it all away..... I want to step away from PC or at least take time away now and then, but I don't know how. This is my addiction....