Background: I'm in the middle of a med change & having kind of a rough go of it right now. I have strong urges to isolate and withdraw. T is encouraging me to call pdoc and I'm not doing it.

Last week T kept trying to talk to me after I pointed out that the session was past over. He told me it was fine, he didn't have to be anywhere for another 45 minutes. (I'm the last client of the day.) I freaked OUT and needed to leave immediately. I became shaky, didn't hear anything he said, and immediately wanted to RUN from the room.

This week, T was talking at the end of the session. He glanced up at the clock (my 50 mins were exactly over) and I saw him make the choice to keep talking. I panicked and couldn't stop staring at the clock. He told me it was fine and he had time. He was pushing to finish the conversation, but I couldn't focus on what he was saying. He did notice that I was "done". (I was GONE. Meltdown mode. I wanted OUT of that room and out of my body as well. UGH) He tried to change the topic to a funny story, but I was too far gone and could only focus on leaving. I practically RAN through the waiting room. I was shaking and crying super hard by the time I got to my car.

Once I got home tonight I had to go for a long run to calm down. It took me a long time and a lot of exertion to mellow out. I felt like clutching my head and shrieking at the top of my lungs. I wanted to pound on the hoods of cars as they passed me.

Am I the only one who has THIS MUCH trouble going past the end of my session time? Rationally, I get that I should be thankful that he's willing to give me some of his personal time. That's an honor. Emotionally, I am SICKENED that I'm seen as one of those people who won't go away when their time is up. I don't want to be one of those people, you know where you see them coming & have to quickly generate an 'excuse' for where you're headed, or pretend to be on the phone so that they don't try to drag you in and take over your entire existence. UGHHHHHH. I am terrified of becoming like that. My mom is like that. No identity of her own so she tries to use mine.

T doesn't normally go over time, so this isn't an issue with this particular therapist. I think in his mind he thinks I need more right now. Which makes sense and is wonderful and fabulous of him. Except I have some sort of weird reaction to it.

This time I did manage to blurt out to T that I have some kind of weird problem with longer sessions and maybe we should discuss it when I was feeling better. I am terrified that he'll try to get past it by staying longer. I CANNOT do that. I'd feel like such an asshole.