I get better and cycle, but I shift very quickly and very hard. I'm sitting here at my desk crying today because the shift has happened again and I'm so agitated, irritated, and my obsessive thoughts are coming around again.

They hit me hard and fast and are shaking me up. I definately, definately feel mixed. No doubt in my mind.

This time it's all a combination of jealousy and old hurt feelings, just coming out of no-where. Well, not really no-where. I think I have some unresolved trauma from the bad time, and it get stirred up very easily.

I don't want to be jealous of them. It's so hard not to be jealous... it's so hard. I don't know how to handle jealousy. I never had jealousy problems before the bad time. I know it's because of everything that happened in the bad time. But the jealousy triggers me really bad. It's so stupid. It makes me feel terrible to feel this way, because I know how annoying it is when someone is jealouse of people who are not a threat....

I am trying so hard to accept how things are. They are not bad. They are different, but things are much better than during the bad time. I just mis the time before so much. It's like that song "you don't know what you've got til it's gone." I know I can never get the time before back.

I just don't know what to do. I feel this big numbness forming inside of me. It only cracks when the jealousy hits me, which triggers the rage. Then I crash.... And my thinking is all foggy and then here comes the paranoid thoughts, the obsessive thoughts.... I'm so tired of it.