Hello everyone, I am new here. I am 33 yrs old and have 2 children. I work as a nurse nearly full time and am divorced, raising my kids on my own.
I live in Germany.
So, to try and make my long story a little shorter, I slipped into a major depression back in 2008. I was still married at the time and very unhappy. It started with severe panic attacks and psychosomatic symptoms. After 2 weeks in the hospital I was released since my "body" was healthy. After arriving home I slipped away into what I will call "hell".I have always been a very positive, caring and loving person in life. Loving my children, loving life and the ppl around me. Suddenly within a blink of an eye, it was all gone. I started having irrational thoughts, like harming myself or my babies. And those thoughts made it even worse because I was obsessing over something I would never do! Finally a doctor and my family convinced me to try Prozac 20mg. I refused but got worse and then I started taking the meds. One day I woke up and I felt like myself again. I went to therapy and continued taking Prozac daily. I freed myself from my failing marriage, got a new job and moved out. Then I met a wonderful man I feel in love with and we've been together for 1 year and a half. Everything was going well. So, a few months ago I felt so in control of my life that I decided to wean myself off of Prozac. I started to slowly wean myself off and 5 weeks ago took my last pill. 4 weeks later, to my despair my obsessive irrational thoughts returned and so did my depression. It is not as bad now as it was back then but it's back. I feel terrible now because I really thought I can cope without and my "mental illness" was cured. What a disappointment to realize that is not the case. All the good feelings about other people, life and my self esteem suddenly vanished again . I decided, for the sake of my children that I will go back on the meds. I started yesterday with Prozac 10mg. I still feel down but I can get up, go to work and pretty much do all my daily activities but now I am dealing with the disappointment of not being able to handle my mental state without this drug. How can I get over this guilt of restarting my meds and accepting that I have a chronic form of depression. I have been going through feelings of being "bad" and "weak". Even my boyfriend, whom I love so much, couldn't make me feel joyful. I have to add that we only see each other once a week. The "dark thoughts" make me feel horrible. I can control them better now but maybe it's the meds kicking in. I feel like I have failed but I also know it's my depression talking. Has anyone else ever tried to quit their medication? If so, what was your experience?? Love and Strength to all