Three thoughts that came to mind as I read your post...

1) When I was a little girl, I remember thinking that I couldn't keep living if my mom died.

2) Still as a young girl, I prayed that God would bring my dad back home.

3) At age 33, my mom got ill. One day, while taking care of her, I felt my first heart palpitation. I told God to please let me finish the task I had before me and then He could do what He wanted with me.

My mom's illness, from beginning to end, lasted six months. I don't remember feeling another palpitation... that is, until after she had passed on. Then all hell broke loose. Anxiety and panic attacks hit me full force, palpitations were so bad I practically lived in the ER and then depression came in and made itself at home. It's taken me 22 yrs to learn to control these illnesses.

Shortly after my mom passed, I called my minister and told him that I had something that had nagged me for a few years. "Why would the prayer of a young, innocent child go unanswered?" I asked him... and told him what that prayer had been. Without a moment's hesitation, and he knew nothing about me or my past history, he told me that I was under God's care and that no matter how badly I wanted my dad to come home, God hadn't allowed it because it would have been dangerous for me to have him around.

Years later, I found out that my dad had been one of my perpetrators. I had been living with the other one all of my life; my grandmother.

Believing in God's goodness, I believe that God knew one perpetrator was all I could survive. I don't believe that God took me at my word when I said He could do whatever He wanted with me after my mom passed. My mom's passing was the catalist for the family mental illnesses that are part of my genes.

The thought I had as a small girl that I couldn't live without my mother was not something that became self-fulfilling. I've outlived her for 22 yrs and again, her passing was the catalist for my MH situation.

What I did believe for a while is that my Guardian Angel was sleeping on the job and boy, did he have some explaining to do!!

Now I know that God allows troubles to come our way to help build our character. It gives us staying power in the emotional realm. Something I have learned for myself, something that has increased my faith tenfold is to trust that God is watching my growth here on Earth. My responsibility is to make the best with what He's given me and come out on top of each situation. There is always something good to be found with each trial, each problem presented. But it's up to US to find it. He's given us all the power to do that.

I don't think you're pitying yourself. I think you're reaching out for answers. You are exploring possibilities.

PS As regards another of your posts; all you have to do is be YOURSELF, such as you are, nothing more, nothing less. We're all in this together. We have no one to impress. Ok?