I have also had the if "I am focused on not doing A, then I am doing B" discussion with T. When I work so hard at not being pushy, I go too far in the other direction and he gets the impression that I think he cannot help me and that I do not care about him.

I'm not sure I completely understand the rest of your post. I thought in my initial post I admitted to being afraid that I am acting like THAT. I also have phobias of fish, basements, blond men, and people touching my feet. I'm 100% certain that it's not because I am any of those things.

ETA: I read it one last time and the lightbulb went on. I was welcome at home - I'm the family hero. I think my situation may be a bit different.