has GOT to the WORST part of my being a Borderline; that 3 year-old childlike voice inside that is always frustrated; moaning, pouting, and constantly on the verge of breaking out into tears. I hear that "tone" in my mind and I invariably start going into that downward swing. This part lasts the longest of all my moods - only guilt rivals this one. And shame. Ok, humiliation, too. Whatever...

The point is, it just makes me so nauseas. I hear this voice at the worst possible moments of my life - always when I am with my mother. And this is so, so sad, because she is the most gentle, and kindly, unconditionally loving person one would ever want to have around them. She has shown undying commitment to her faith, her marriage and her family. We would not be a family if it were not for her. Not one of her children have any connections with each other - our only connection is through her.

She is the one and only truly loving soul that has been with me my entire life (regardless of the fact that I turned by back on her for most of mine because of childish pain and anger that I could not or would not let go of).

And now I find her to be my BIGGEST trigger. Every time I see her; every time I walk into the door of her house, I instantly want to cry out in desperation: "PLEASE HOLD ME AND NEVER LET ME GO, I AM SO AFRAID; BUT I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR CREATING ME AND MAKING ME THIS WAY!"

I try to hide these aweful, desperate feelings, not wanting to lash out at her for no other reason except to welcome me "home" and into her arms. But it quickly fails. My childish behaviours just come gushing out. And immediately after, so does my trying to explain to her over and over, that I don't understand why I keep having these feelings whenever I see her (and always manifesting itself in various ugly ways, but mostly in verbal attacks and cheap shots).

She always tries so hard to understand and always forgives me, but that only makes me feel worse, not just for treating her like this, but for having these feelings about her in the first place.

Oh sure, I have analyzed, ad nauseum, all the psychological reasons; can logically fit the pieces of my life together to see the patterns created over the years; of how genetics, family and social influences, and self-destructive behaviours of my own doing have all contributed to where I am at today, but I just don't understand why I cannot reach a state of acceptance of my mother's unconditional love for me and let the past be the past.

This is painful beyond my ability to deal with and end up having to leave just to spare both of us the continual hurt that I create.

She is getting on now and she deserves the same unconditional love and acceptance that she has shown me her entire life. AND I CANNOT GIVE IT TO HER.

I love her so much and want to spend time with her, but that continual whining in my head, and that 3 year-old childlike voice begins to rise within as soon as I see her, and this painful cycle begins to repeat itself once again.