I feel its important to say, at least its important to me, that before I had drawn my original mandala, I had no prior knowledge about them, what they were, or what they could do. Magic is the main word I would ascribe to them, and that is from personal experience, not something I had read or been told prior to discovering them quite accidentally. The healing energy of my first mandala began immediately even as I had no concept of what it was or would turn out to be.

I also think its very important that before I drew the first mandala, my state of emotional being was of distress. I felt that everything, and I tried a lot of things, I did to improve my state of mind, had failed. Missing my son was killing me. I felt completely backed against the wall with no where to turn and I came into a state of mind that I laid myself down before god in complete sincerity and gave up, turned myself over to whatever 'master being' existed, and told that being I was to be thier instrument if they wished it. Self was gone entirely, I became a servant to something, I knew not what, but something aside from myself. I knew I wanted to serve the 'energies' of 'goodness' as I understood them.

It was spring/summer, might have been 2002, or 2003. My most recent romance had ended in disaster, my work became frustrating and stressful. I had been taking zoloft for my depression and it was pulling me upwards enough that I was beginning to socialize a bit more and I was able to reach in past the darkness just a little more and found a place inside myself that felt a true, mysterious, magical energy towards life; a curiosity that beckoned me to come closer. I began to not only see, but feel the beauty of nature around me and it made me feel there truly was something deeper going on and I felt, psychotically, that I was able to tap this energy and bring it into myself, that, this energy, was a part of me and running thru me and that this same energy was available to anyone who trained and tried to access it. It felt very real but still off at a distance. The feeling came and I tried to bring it into my being so it would become permanent and for short periods it stayed but would slip away again.

I was still binge drinking at the time. I had gained quite a bit of control over my drinking but I was drawn to the scene. I felt that people were guiding me, saying those common asides that always seem to be said with little meaning. I began taking the meanings literally, as sub conscious guidance. Simple things, like 'enjoy' meant not just a feeling, but a way of life. The little sayings took on profound depth and wisdom for me. If someone said 'right on', I translated that and it meant right on, like I agree, but it had another meaning, like, ride on, like ride into the sunset. The world of double meanings opened up to me. Conversation took on a new and deeper aspect and humor awoke for me again. You can imagine what simple words like 'screw in a lightbulb' meant. But humor was not what I was seeking even though I had pleaded for years to have my sense of humor return. I was after Spirit.

I stopped taking zoloft. I had only taken it about a year but I became concerned that the zoloft might be causing some of this 'magical thinking' and I wanted to experience the real thing. I also didnt like the idea of being hooked to a drug.

Maybe a month had passed since this all began. I quit my job, it seemed a dead end and wasnt satisfying me spiritually. I decided to go in search of....... I didnt know what, something better, somehting real, something that made me feel like I felt when I felt the magic those short moments.

I didnt leave on my journey right away. I felt this energy growing inside me, not to its full potential, but growing, awakening.The distress I had previously experienced was replaced by a feeling of mystery and adventure. I felt as a child again, on the edge of great discoveries. Intrigue was my dominant emotion and a zest returned to my attitude. I spent my time allowing my curiosity to lead me, unchecked by my usual social inhibitions, I acted on my instincts of what 'felt right' in the moment. If I happened to be near the street, walking on the sidewalk and I noticed something unusual or interesting, I stopped to examine it, I didnt care how it might appear that I was 'crazy'. I began to notice all the little objects that get caught in the wind and blow against fences and I thought how so many of these items were still useful, yet here they were. given up as garbage with no meaning. I began to apply a different line of thought to what 'throw aways' were, for everything from paper and plastic cups, to the people society discards as useless and meaningless. I felt I was one of the meaningless of society and I began to develop a different attitude towards what gets discarded in life. Everything has a purpose and a place.

I was still wandering the streets of my hometown, seeing it with new eyes. There was a place on the edge of town, near a bluff, with some trees and some temporarily abandoned train restoration projects were. It had a small stream running through it. It was just off the beaten path and most people passed by never taking a second glance. It became my refuge. I went there to spirit pray.I felt the energy of the trees, the sky, the earth, the bluff, the water and I meditated on life, love and spirit. I noticed the particular angles of the the split tree trunk, the direction it had climbed to grow. I wondered what energy pulled it in that particular direction. It was a split tree trunk, one east, one west. I thought that fitting, it showed balance, equality, fairness. I noticed how it seemed to reach towards the near bluff, the bluff itself pointed west, towards the mountain, the mountain collecting the suns energy from the east and reverberating its spirit charged electrical current towards my bluff, and eventually into my tree. It all seemed magical, mystical, powerful, and real. I climbed into the tree and sat on its lowest branch. It was slightly damp from the mornings dew. It was then, believe this or not, I felt an electrical charge from the wood. Impossible, right? But I had felt it. I scrambled out of the tree, first in fear, but mostly in disbelief. But it had happened. I was totally, awesomely amazed and my sense of wonder almost overwhelmed me. I explained it as the power of spirit, something I had no clue of, but that obviously, really did exist.

I spent some days walking on the sidewalks of my town, returning to the 'magic' tree spot, pondering it all, looking for 'signs', keeping myself open, meditating to keep my energy positive.

I wandered down to my old dive, the saloon with the pool tables and the outside patio, the juke box, the bored and agitated bartender, the smells of cigarettes and spilled beer, the memories of the laughter, the falling down, the desperation and the music rotating in my consciousness. I didnt find much to hold me there and I walked outside, around back and to the right a little ways. There was an old beaten down fence there, the kind with the pickets pointed upwards to a point, a nice long row of them and as I squatted down to catch a little shade, the sun came through an opening between the slats and made a near perfect east/west shadow across my body and the ground around me. I thought it was interesting how I could position myself in front of this fence with only elemental considerations of direction, light, shadow and still be who I was, some misfit who didnt understand a lot of things, but this, this direction, this light,this shadow, I could comprehend. I could position myself in just such a way that I was in perfect alignment with the fence, the shadow, and the sun. Then it came to me.

Using the shadow and the gap in the fence, and the position of the sun, I began to align myself with the sidewalk, the building across the street, the horizon, the planet and stars beyond and deeply into the universe I couldnt see, only imagined and by turning just a little left, then a little right, then up just a bit and to the left again, I pointed my nose directly east, or what I believed was east and by the time I was all finished I knew exactly where I fit in the whole universe. That was an amazing feeling to at last 'know' where I fit and where I was.

It wasnt long after that when I went into the corner convenience store and in addition to cigarettes and gas, they had a small souvenir section. I walked to the display and there was a replica of buffalo horns there, with some feathers attached to it. There were some Native American carvings in the base of it and though I only had limited cash left after quitting my job I bought this piece and I took it to the 'magic' tree place where I sat it in the branches of the tree as an offering. My way of telling the spirits I acknowledged them and respected them. It was more of a growing reverence than respect but I wanted the spirits to know the message they were sending was getting through. A few days later I returned to the tree and the offering was gone. I suppose someone else may have taken it.

My cash was running low and I had to make a decision. I felt spirits pulling me strong and for some reason, they said, go northeast. I filled my car with gas and in my excited distraction of what I was doing, put my wallet with all my identity on top of the car and left town. My cash I still had in my pocket. Away to the road I went, the wallet sliding from the roof into the gas station parking lot as I left, myself none the wiser to it.

Northeast it was to be. I got on the highway and wondered where in the world I was going. Somewhere in the midwest I looked at the sky. Long thin clouds seemed to be fingers pointing me on. I followed them. I came into a town and looked around. It was a very quiet place. A large yard nearby held peacocks and their call was somehow strange, mystical, magical as I recalled the symbol of the peacock in Eastern religions. It felt right, good, to be where I was and though I didnt know the reason for my being there, I at once felt relaxed, peaceful, trusting, safe. I took a nap.

Something magnetic was pulling me onwards. I couldnt describe it, I couldnt explain it, I just felt it. I wondered what direction to turn next and it just came to me. North. So north I traveled, onward, to what I didnt know, but there was an undeniable energy pulling and pushing and making me move. Something whispered at the back of my sub conscious that what I was seeking lay just ahead.

I pulled into this small town on a highway spur. Thats the kind of circling road that makes you lose all sense of direction as you're coming into town and suddenly I didnt know if I was going east, west, north, or south. I let the road take me into town.

It was an old cowpoke sort of town with a few motels, a saloon, a few general stores. Not big but big for the area. I wondered what had pulled me to this place but I was open to finding out why.

After looking around a little bit I parked the car near an intersection on main street where a large man, about my age, was talking to a little boy on a bicycle. The boy stopped talking when I walked up and they both turned to me. the town was small enough that strangers get noticed right away.

The man told me tonight was 'drag night' for the local kids. That the police made a deal with the local high schoolers that they wouldnt be ticketed for showing off thier cars power by squeeling its wheels at take off and the like. I looked around but didnt see much action going on so I jumped in my car, a 1980 Eagle station wagon I had tuned to exact precision and pulled up to the intersection, raced the engine, and popped out the clutch. The car started shaking, the tires started spinning and smoking, I felt the power and I felt the pride of having built it to be that way, until the driveshaft snapped. Looked like I was going to be in town awhile.

To be continued....