thank you all for replying. yesterday was really difficult. dying was not seeming like the worst option actually! (im not suicidal though). i still feel just in bits today. like im just going to shatter if i have to struggle through one more thing. i told my T though and she was so so kind. she did ask if i thought i had a problem with alcohol and asked if theres any alcoholism in my family (which there is) but she makes me feel safe and thats so incredible. she said to focus on one thing at a time and shes right. tomorrow i have an appointment with a pdoc to 'rule out' an eating disorder. im kinda terrified and thats enough for me to focus on right now.
thank you all again for your comments.
biiv