I moved from the Caribbean to NYC about 6 months ago for 2 reasons: to pursue my dream of studying, and to live with my boyfriend after being apart for 1.5 years.

Things haven't turned out the way I expected (aside from studying, which is pretty exciting). After a few weeks, things started to get rocky between us, not only for financial reasons, but because of our clashing personalities. He is very loving and caring, but has a tendency to be quite feisty. I'm a calmed friendly person, but I've felt the need to become feisty and angry too in order to defend myself whenever he lashes out about something. I've also come to realize he lives in his own world where things have to be in a certain way (I can't turn on the main lights in our bedroom because he hates artificial light, can't open the curtains when he's sleeping even though is 12pm - 2pm - 5pm, can't dance on the subway if a musician is playing a fun song ... stupid stuff like that).

Sometimes he gets pretty manipulative, specially when it comes to money. I worked hard to make savings before coming here and have attempted to be as conscious about it as I can, depriving myself of buying things that I don't need. Meanwhile, he splurges his small income on miscellaneous things. At the end of every month, I'm left paying our full rent with the promise that he will pay me back in few weeks, only to find out there's another excuse to ask me to cover our full rent again. If I ever bring this issue up, he accuses me of being a selfish little princess who was brought up without issues and who doesn't know what it is like to have a tough life (although his family was more affluent than mine). After 5 months and 3 rents he hasn't paid me yet (2 were paid after huge fights), I've decided to ignore his excuses, and pay only my share, even if that means risking the roof above our heads. This, among other things, has made feel like I can't trust him. And somehow I still wonder if I'm wrong, if I'm only seeing my point of view.

I have become really lonely here, mainly because I feel like I can't count on him. I'm thinking I'm also dragging things I've lived with (insecurities, anxieties, low-self esteem) that I thought were going to go away as soon as I got my hands on my dream. I'm living my dream and I'm not feeling happy. Quite often I find myself walking on the street and feeling like I'm not really here, I'm just living some sort of an uncomfortable dream in an uncomfortable city, an uncomfortable apartment with an uncomfortable boyfriend who lacks patience and common grounds with me. I miss my family, my home, my dogs, my friends, the crisp Caribbean sun and bright days, unlike this dark apartment I spend most of my days in. I have an enormous feeling of worthlessness, of not being good-enough, and an increasing fear of failing, of not making ends meet, of being rejected, or what others people's opinions are about me. And honestly, I don't know where they come from. I don't have childhood issues, I was raised in a loving christian family (only complain: sexual repression) and I've succeeded in pretty much everything I've done, although I acknowledge that fear as hold me back from doing stuff I should've done already.

I desperately wish I could talk to somebody. I obviously can't talk to my boyfriend. He may listen to me and comfort me for a while, but will use anything I say against me in the future. I can't talk to my mother because she's also an anxious person that worries about my wellbeing, and telling her "I feel lonely and unhappy here" will only freak her out and make her feel powerless. I can't talk to my best friend because I already overwhelmed him with my boyfriend's stories. And although I get along pretty well with my classmates, none of them are close enough to me as to tell them these issues. Not verbalizing this is hurting me. Everything keeps building up, I'm getting worned out and my sense of worth keeps falling apart while the voices in my head keep getting stronger and negative.

I know this may be long... could be way longer, though. I wish I could see a psychologist, but I have no insurance right now. Perhaps putting this out here might reach somebody and I don't feel so alone.