I know I should probably post this in another thread but I don't know if I care enough anymore I just need to write this down before I do something crazy. I'm hoping writing about how I feel and think right now will help the feeling of hopelessness and desperation go away. I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope today and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sorry for the poor spelling and punctuate if it gets worse; it's just because I'm totally out of coontrol

I've been struggling with wht I believ eis manic depression since i ws 13. I'm almost 20 now. it's gotten worse. last year my family lost our house, parents divorced, mom tried to kill herself (depression runs in the family). it was my first year at college. absolutely miserable. i basically had to take care of my mother and failed all most all my courses trying to get everyone else to keep their **** together.

fast forward to october 2012. i met the man i'm currently in love with. we have a great relationship but our relationship has also made me realize how ****ed up i am. starting around december i got a lot of anxiety about him leaving me for like no reason and the paranoia was so bad i'd call when he'd be out with people and question him for hours searching for something wrong. i just can't believe someone could love me as genuinely as he does and not want to hurt me. perhaps a part of mewants something to be wrong so i can hurt myself more. i dont think i'm capabale of not being hurt or feeling immense, overwhelming pain.

then around february i think i entered a manic phase. totally weird but i became obsessed with richard III (the king of england who was found around then) and my british heritage and wanted to go to england to do genealogical research. i starved myself to save money for the ****ing trip and was basically on a month long manic episode/obsessive phase/ ego trip. i don't even know. but one day I suddenly didn't care about the trip or richard iii or any of that stuff anymore. it was such an intense episode, I don't know what happened.

so that was basically march and february. in april i had to take an emergency contraceptive because the condom fell off in me. i went through the most excruciating, debilitating depressive period (well the most until now maybe). i think it was mostly because of the heavy dose of estrogen, which is out of my body at this point, but the depression is lingering (though there was about a 1-2 week period where the **** was out of my system and i felt ok).

so here I am now. late may. I don't care about my schoolwork anymore, never did my final essay, probably failed one class. i feel so useless and hopeless and i want to kill myself. I wish I were less attractive and intelligent, then it wouldn't be such a waste of myself if i were to kill myself. i don't want to hurt my loved ones either, although i feel like they wouldn't give a **** if i hurt myself. i barely eat anymore. i eat maybe 500 calories a day at this point, unless i self medicate with weed, then i eat more. i have to smoke every day, all day sometimes at this point to not feel excruciating emotional anguish. i used to be anorexic when i was 14 but now i actually physically struggle to eat, not convcerned about my weight or anything.

everythingnis just getting wors saand worse. ic an't seem to find a psychologist who takes my insurence. i am too afraid to make phone calls. i'm a total recluse and i never see my friends anymore. do i even have friends anymore? my boyfriend is extremely worried about my mental fragility. i feel like i'm going to do soemthing crazy soon.