I really don't understand what happened. The thoughts are fast and furious. I force myself to picture my daughter's face - the one who's old enough to understand. I see her breaking down and I tell myself I will not hurt her. I will not.

It's a special kind of torment, these thoughts, these images. I want it so badly sometimes. But I have made my life what it is. I chose to bring other people into this world, and I can't leave them.

And then I tell myself to stop being such a ****ing loser. You are not worth it. These thoughts aren't about you, not really. They're about feeling as if I have failed absolutely. I'm ashamed to acknowledge that I'm even thinking these things right now. Wtf? What is wrong with me?

It's not ever going to stop though. I've had these thoughts forever. Since long before I knew you. They always come back. And I get so tired of fighting them.