devox:

I'm glad to hear from you again. You are in a demanding situation but you sound, in some ways, like a tough woman...a Marine?? for how long?? Why did you get out?? (the little ones?) What was your specialty?

I'll just go over your five parts and make some observations. (1) You push helpful people away, yet (2) you often feel weak, worthless, incompetent and in need of help? What an impossible bind!

Comment: it is very hard to understand what is happening when these situations are described in very general terms. For example, if the helpful person is a good-looking, overly friendly guy next door, it may not be hard to understand. And, if the helpful person is a friend who always suggests you need some kind of treatment (prescribed meds, yoga, religion...) which doesn't interest you, you naturally avoid advice you don't like.

(3) and (4) Wanting to be capable is very different from demanding perfection from yourself in all ways. Being perfect is again very general which no one can ever accomplish, so what specifically and realistically would you like to learn to do better in the next month...with whom and in what spicific ways? Can you focus on one thing at a time and put the rest on the back burner?

(5) The things you mention here don't seem at all unconscious--in fact they seem on your mind much of the time. What about getting some psychological benefits from your depression and distress? what about hoping people will feel sympathy when you tell about your 2 kids and working, husband gone, lack of psychological help from the military and so on? I'm not saying this things are true of you! You may find the ideas are irritating but if I were you, I'd be a little aware of my emotional needs. Also, in (5), I didn't hear much about anger and unconscious ways you might be expressing pent up anger--any speculation about that?

But the most important thing for you to do, I think, is to find something new way of behaving or feeling and start working on one thing at a time. Any ideas?

drclay

PS: Have you called a Mental Health facility on a base and asked if you could see someone every month or two and talk on the phone with them once or twice a week? I like people who are depressed and prone to SI to have someone available who can help. By the way, how did you "go through" the 3 therapists in town? What is your relationship with them now?