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I am not fully sure of the total reason I am posting this other than to see if anything resonates with anyone else, any stories you want to share, etc.
Maybe just to get this out so I don't keep running through stuff over and over in my head.
I have been very rough lately. I have been having major headaches for couple months now (working on this with Dr). I am also very, very moody all the time. I am getting increasingly more and more angry by the day. I snap at people at work even though I know I shouldn't and should take a rest or something to blow it off before answering.
I used to be able to do that, at least for a few years now. I used to have major problems previously as well.
I have made very bad decisions that I now regret. I am scared of losing the things I have, my husband and well myself, though I am not really sure how I can lose something like myself when I feel like I never really knew or now know what that is.
I am on meds (pristiq, abilify again, lunestra and imitrex. klonopin has been reduced to nothing so haven't had that in weeks).
I feel worthless, useless and pathetic. I hate myself for all that I am, do and am not equally. I beat myself up daily. I feel like I can't do anything right. I procrastinate all day long, mostly with work and it is affecting my job at this point.
I really hate all this. I am calm now which is odd and eerie as I am never this way at all.
I have nightmares about losing my life and everything I have before that. I then start to feel like maybe that should happen as that is the only thing that will truly end all this (no i am not talking suicide just thoughts running around).
I feel like I don't know what to do anymore about any of this. I am impulsive, love spending money, love doing immoral things and at times, not so legal things as well.
It doesn't bother me at the time, then comes like a rush of anger and hatred at myself when I look at what I really am doing daily.
I know this is long and all, sorry. I don't know, just rambling I guess. Thanks for whomever reads this for taking the time.
Back to being miserable old fat me. (oh and i binge eat like crazy)
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"Death is easy, peaceful: Life is harder"
"The Day You Turned On Me Is The Day I Died,
And I've Forgotten What It's Like,
And How It Feels To Be Alive" (Daughtry-Gone)
"And you always want what you're running from. It's always been that way." Bittersweet Lyrics by Ellie Goulding
"The reason I hold on, cause I need this hole gone." (Stay by Rihanna)
"The opposite of love's indifference." (Stubborn Love, The Lumineers)
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