I feel like I just woke up !!! I am a 46yrs single Mom of two children. I grew up in /out of foster care. My Father was a angry drinker who pretty much offered his 4 children nothing and my Mother was mentally ill. I am the youngest of 4. Growing up we 4 children bounced from our birth parents to foster care our whole life. The abuse we children endured is not even conceivable !!! It just was part of life or so I thought . No one ever spoke about it and ALL the adults in my life seemed to except it so growing up I just thought it to be my lot in life. I did notice growing up I was different from other kids and I chalked it up to " well guess thats the life of kids with real parents " . I felt a lot of shame so I never told other kids what was going on. And always told myself IF I ever have children I will not give them this life ...I will love them , teach them and give them more then this ! When I turned 16 I had just given birth to my 1st child , at 17 I married the childs father and at 18 we moved in together. Amazing how I thought I could JUST follow rules , work , provide and do the best I could for my family and all would turn out right !?!? Needless to say the marriage failed . We were to young , poor and he turned to drinking and drugs. 7 yrs later I thought I had found the love of my life .. married and we had one child together after being married for 9yrs. Our marriage was rocky and YEP he drank his way thru the tough times. I stayed in that bad marriage for 19yrs WOW OUCH ! I look back now and see I did so for so many reasons. I did not want my children to have a " Broken family " did not want to " Abandon " a sick man... I never even thought of how my childhood was KILLING my adult life ! Now after being on my own for a few years I see it . I do rarely go out ( I fear the outside world ) , I have a hard time being gone from home more then 2hr blocks of time ( growing up as I did I would often leave the house only find out when I got home that is was not home anymore ) I trust NO MAN ! In fact all most all of my relationships have serious issues and now I wonder how much was my past a cause and how much was the type of men I was drawn to ? But the worst of the worst to me is seeing how my past has affected my parenting skills or lack there of !!!! And now I find out I am not the only soul dealing with this stuff and OH MY GOODNESS I can get help and maybe someday funtion like all the " normal people " I see in the world