I can't stop holding all of these thoughts inside. It's starting to keep me up at night so here I go, let me know what you think.

I'll be 19 in a couple weeks, and there's this girl I've been friends with since I was about 11. I had a bit of a crush on her in middle school and she told me that she liked me so we started "going out" (which in middle school didn't mean much). Being so young, I quickly discovered that a relationship didn't make sense so we went back to just being friends.

When I was 15 my father's job took me overseas to the middle east, and my friend and I had pretty consistent communication between online messaging and handwritten letters. One fateful day I received a letter from her describing how she met a guy she kind of liked but was date-raped (She is a very passive person that would be easy to take advantage of). I have no idea why, but reading this letter didn't affect me all that much back then. Against the advice in my reply, she continued this relationship.

Later when I went back to the US to visit for the summer, I found out from one of my other friends that they had seen this guy kissing another girl while still dating my friend. Again, I was mad, but didn't suffer emotional trauma from discovering this. Meanwhile she still clings to this dirt bag and I head back overseas, but to Indonesia this time.

Between my time in the Middle East and Indonesia I had tried a few relationships that amounted to nothing probably because I simply wasn't ready for a relationship. My friend and I continued our communication but less so than before. Then after another failed relationship I started to realize that the person I really wanted to be with was this girl I had known for so long; that in every previous relationship my subconscious was comparing who I was currently with to my old friend and they were just never as good.

After graduating from high school in Indonesia, I headed back to my home town for college where my old friend would be attending as well. I eventually gained enough courage to talk to her about her current relationship and sort of confessed my love for her (though I don't think she realizes just HOW MUCH). First of all, she said she knew that her current boyfriend raped her and cheated on her, but that he didn't love her then; that now it's apparently okay because he apologized, they both love each other and he's a good person (of which I've heard things to the contrary from my other friends who have encountered him). I also asked her if she loved me in the same way and that it was perfectly okay if she didn't. Here's what killed me: she couldn't answer! I guess it was her way of saying "I love you too, but I don't want to admit being in love with another person than my current boyfriend". I probably wouldn't be in this emotional mess if she had just said "no I only love you as a friend". I would have seen it as a lost cause and probably have gotten over it.

That brings us to now, a year after the previous conversation. We're still very close friends and I fall more in love with her every time we spend time together. A couple more failed relationships this year proved again that she had simply set the bar too high. I know her so well and am 100% positive that a relationship between us would be an amazing success. I can't get over it because some part of me still feels that there's hope. The only options I see are: continue how I'm living right now, as her good friend and constantly feel heartache for not being with her (which feels horrible and has started giving me problems like insomnia and depression), or tell her how I'm feeling and say that if I can't be in a relationship with her, I may need to distance myself from her completely (which feels like a horribly selfish move to make and would probably bring on a different slew of emotional problems).

For those who read my pathetic novel, what on earth do you think I should do?