What I am about to say is going to sound harsh.

But there will come a stage that your pain is no longer your mums fault, its yours. Unless you help yourself to recover from this painful experience, then it's your fault. You are enabling her to ruin your life and your mental health.

Its like that old adage, Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

You need to start asking and accepting help. Reading your posts which all have you thinking, thinking and thinking some more about your mother, letting her hurt you over and over again without even being in contact tells me that you need therapy badly. I've said before, but they really WILL help you change your thinking patterns and teach you some coping methods. I know this because it helped me. Please, for your own sake, and that of your own family, go get some help. You come over as deeply depressed and that alone is a very hard thing to overcome without some help. You need to do this now before you get worse and before you drive your family away. People eventually tend to get tired of trying to help.

I am sorry if I offended as that was not my intention.

Hugs