'The Godrooted heart blossoms in wonderway.'

Mandala. Shambala Productions, Inc. 1972, Boulder Colorado. ISBN 0-87773-033-4.
Out of print.

I have to back up a few steps. I missed something key to this story.

When I arrived in town I followed the main road thru from its west edge to its east edge. I wanted an idea of how big the place was, what was in it, what might I run into here? I was still feeling very spirit guided and I let the car roll past the places I knew I would be returning to. I was low on gas, low on funds and I was about to discover I had no identity, but first, I wanted a sense of this place and I followed the road to a park on the edge of town. As the car kept rolling I took in the surroundings. I might remember this wrong but it seems like the park was one of those memorial parks where they put out flags and remembrances of the fallen from previous wars. I wish I could remember exactly but I'd been in similar memorial parks and it always raises my sensitivity to my surroundings, the sacredness of the place always elevates about 90 degrees for me in those places.

I looked over the surroundings and let the car roll to a tree I picked out. It was large, full branches spread out evenly, creating a lot of shade and I needed that right then.

I stopped, cant remember if the radio was playing or what song, I liked U2 a lot, maybe that was on, and I knew I had arrived at 'the destination'. I dont know how I knew, I just knew I would be here awhile because of being low on cash and needing work.

The first thing I did was pay homage to the park. Someone had put it here in thoughtfulness of the random travelers like me just needing a place to pull over and take a rest. I thanked God for putting those people ahead of me and giving them that insight.

I dont know if I noticed right away but I soon discovered the park also provided a free campground, free shower, grills for cooking and restrooms, and water. These were all necessities and I gave thanks again and again for someones kindness.

It had been a long trip and I wondered again about the sanity of what I was doing but it didnt last long. Here I was and it was time to deal with it. I was excited, optimistic, filled with spirit.

I looked at the trees across the park. Some were to my east and they cast shadows along the the road where anyone could pull up and catch a break from the heat. It was sort of humid too. There was a semi wide river cutting through the park and I thought about jumping in the water for a bit to cool off but I didnt. Something else was wanting my attention and I picked up a small notepad I had and began to think.

I cant remember exactly what went through my thoughts. Im sure I must have thought about my son, felt a stab of pain in my heart that I couldnt heal in any way. I might have reflected back on all the things that had happened to me that brought me to this place, my divorce, the drunken nights, the girls I'd loved, the broken hopes, the misery. Im sure I cried a little bit.

I gathered up my strength and I began to think about spirit and how it somehow gave me some kind of energy I was needing to experience all this. How it seemed to calm and soothe and made me feel everything was going to be alright, that it wouldnt abandon me and would love me, even if I couldnt love myself right then. It felt warm, kind, strong and present.

I took my little pad and I began to draw. I didnt know what I was drawing at first but it came to mind to me that the sun always rises in the east. Sunrise, new life, new beginnings. Thats what I needed right then. Then it occurred to me the sun always sets in the west. So I drew east/sunrise on the pad and west/ sunset on its opposite side. I thought about sunset and how it was similar to exiting life so I had on the page a begining and an ending but I didnt like the idea of endings so I changed the meaning of ending/death to mean passing instead. It occurred to me further that on the east, with the sunrise and new life, it was something like the seasons, when spring brings the new flower buds and leaves on the trees, the grass turns green again and the birds sing. East meant new life to me, spring. Correspondingly, West meant the passing of that life but it was not the end. The sun travels around the earth and comes up again in the east so it is a cycle. West represented fall and winter, changing times, changing seasons, changing life. I did my best to depict that in the drawing.

I had accounted for east and west, beginning and passing but it left a few directions I didnt account for. north to me meant up because when you look at a map, the little directional symbol always has an arrow pointing to the top of the page for north. So north was up and I thought, didnt that make south down? Again, I didnt like the idea of down. Down was what I was trying to escape so south became the lower curve in the circle/swing of the cycle. I was determined I didnt want anything 'negative' in my drawing. So I was looking at a multi-directional drawing with no end, only beginnings and from inside the cycle many things could happen: Life, death, sorrow, sadness, happiness, rebirth, movement. It further occurred to me the drawing wasnt complete yet. Unseen and hard to portray on my 'map' were the directions of up, to the sky, and down, to the earth. It was then I became aware there were actually six directions, not four. I changed north to mean 'the top'; south to mean the lower end of the top, and up was up, to the sky, to the stars, to far beyond what I could see or imagine; down was down, to the earth, where I stood, where I was grounded.

I didnt know it at the time but I had drawn my first mandala. I sat with it awhile and felt its energy. It felt good. In some way, it felt like the center of me, like that it came from deep inside my center, of who I was and what I was about. It was a drawing of my spirit and I felt it connect to me, and onward, to out of me, to all the other spirits around me where it swirled and mixed, and then back to me again. It made us complete and whole and all part of one thing together. The circle was complete.

I just wanted to get this out here today, Im not sure how much I can add to this or when. I will as Im able. Thanks to everyone who reads. Blessings on you.