You are definately having a hard time. I have a feeling you might be mixed, depressed and manic together. I have a lot of mixed episodes. They are horrible, feels horrible. I would rather be just depressed than mixed. It's much more exploxive and harder to cope. I'm also and ultra-rapid cycler and I have dysphoric mania instead of euphoric.

I'm glad you're working with your doctor on all of this. Are you also seeing a therapist? Maybe talking it out would help. When I've been able to see a therapist I find it's very helpful.

I hope things start to look up for you soon.