I don't know if I should reply or not. I've been lurking lately because I feel like I don't really have psychosis and so I shouldn't be posting here, but maybe I can get some feedback before I see my pdoc next week?

6 years ago I became depressed for no real reason. I went on antidepressants after hoping for 6 months that it would disappear on its own, but they never helped. 2 1/2 years later I started hearing voices that said horrible things about me. It freaked me out cos hearing voices is your typical 'crazy' symptom. After a few months, I plucked up the courage to tell my pdoc because it was distressing, but she didn't believe me so the voices continued without treatment.

6 months after telling her, I moved and changed pdocs - this time I was believed. My diagnosis became 'depression with psychotic features'. As well as the voices, I'd started to believe that there was a hole in my brain because it was rotting away, and that people can hear my thoughts if I make eye contact with them. Abilify/aripiprazole made the voices lessen, but never changed those beliefs. Without the voices, I began to fear that I'd made them up to get attention.

Last October, I told pdoc about some mood swings I'd noticed over the years that had started to become a pattern, and my diagnosis was changed to 'bipolar 2 with psychotic features'. I was started on Seroquel/quetiapine which has done nothing for the voices, though I am now on 500mg. Sometimes my depression is the worst problem, but other times the voices and/or worries I have become more prominent. Pdoc has always known about the voices, but I don't like to talk about them, and he never asks about my worries, and was never that interested if I tried to tell him. A few months ago, the voices got bad & I couldn't cope as well as I normally do. I was hearing footsteps follow me, and was paranoid about people behind me. Pdoc was surprised and started pondering a schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder diagnosis, which I wasn't happy about. I don't understand how I can have a sz/sza label if I've never had a proper psychotic episode, or been hospitalised?! Also the DSM criteria for sza has 2 weeks of psychotic symptoms without mood symptoms, which I've never had (although the ICD 10 for Europe doesn't have this). We agreed to leave it as bipolar with psychosis. My stress dissapated and so did the voices, and depression became the most prominent issue again.

Then a month or 6 weeks ago, my housemate's mother came to stay for a week. This majorly stressed me out. Though the voices are bearable, what was an occasional & vague concern about cameras and being watched at times, became a conviction that this woman had hidden cameras all over the house to spy on me. I can't shower anymore because of this and I get dressed and undressed hiding under my duvet so she won't see me undressed. The paranoia became worse about people following me, knowing my thoughts, everyone hating me etc. I still believe that my brain is rotting and that's the cause of my cognitive symptoms. And I hate watching the news because the newscasters are having a go at me for everyone who dies, because it should be me instead. I avoid the news now and have for a few years because I feel guilty for not wanting to be alive when all these nice people die everyday. But now there's a dog food advert that tells me I'm a bad owner and they're going to come and take my dog away.

I'm scared a lot of the time, and eventually confided in my Mum about my fears. She rang to arrange an earlier appointment with my pdoc, which is next Friday. All of those fears are ongoing, but I'm also worried about pdoc thinking I'm a fraud and attention seeking. I've never been hospitalised because I still have insight. My suspiciousness means I don't tell people the crazy fears I have, so no one would know unless I told them. I'm not acting abnormally, or talking weirdly. I was able to force myself to go food shopping this week & have been out walking the dog. So I'm still mostly functioning, though I've not showered in weeks or brushed my hair or teeth. So I think it's not a big deal. Right?

Anyone have chronic psychotic symptoms without clear-cut episodes? Anyone still able to sort of function? Anyone not been hospitalised? I just feel like I'm making a fuss over nothing...

I'm sorry for how long this is, and for going off topic but it's kind of related. I would be grateful for any feedback.

*Willow*