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Originally Posted by Neptune83
How do you know if you don't love someone any more? I asked myself that same question a few years back with my sons dad. Whenever we were affectionate it just felt empty. I felt empty. I cared about him but it just didn't feel right any more. He'd never done anything wrong, nothing to trigger these feelings off, I think we just grew apart. Or I grew apart from him. I was very young when we met (16) and think I changed a lot over those 11 years. What I decided to do was to have a break from us. He stayed first with a friend then with his mum. I realised that I was happier with us apart and that made my decision for me so we split permanently. He didn't want that and I felt awful because I was hurting him, but it was the right thing to do. That's how I answered that question for myself. Maybe some time apart would bring some clarity to you? I can relate to your feelings on what she did, my husband now did similar and I was devastated. Emails and naked pictures to some random woman, I too was ready to walk but I do really love him and believe it was a terrible mistake on his part. It's not easy working through it, and I feel so much rage towards him at times, but what we have is worth fighting for. I know in my gut if I ended things with him it would be the biggest mistake of my life because I'd be letting someone I truly love go and I don't think that's worth it over one mistake. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, but it can be done. If I were in your shoes, I'd take a break from her and see how I felt. If it felt wrong then maybe I'd know we had a good thing worth working on, if not, then I'd end things for good and work on myself and finding true happiness with someone once I felt more stable.
I think the only way to know your true feelings for her is to take her out of the equation for a while because you sound smothered by conflicting feelings both about her and yourself. Don't doubt your strengths, I think a lot of the time people doubt they'll manage on their own because having someone around is what they're used to. It is scary at first, change isn't always easy, but it could serve you well. It could also bring newfound confidence and strength within you which I think is important in any relationship too. Independence, knowing you can rely on yourself. Don't stick with someone who makes you miserable, but be sure you're not throwing away something that may just need a little work. Test the water  |
She doesn't make me miserable really. What she did was completely soul shattering for me and I think I would have her stabbed me that betray my trust like she did. For most of my marriage I have had pleasant memories of her. I can see her side of things. I think it would be difficult to he my spouse. For the last 7 years I have been working and going to school and lacked a lot of time to spend with her. Those things were necessary for me to get a good job and be successful, but I can imagine how she must have felt unimportant. To top that off when I get depressed I tend to withdraw and close in which puts even more space between us. I don't agree with what she did, but I can see how she was missing a connection and wanted to feel loved and I was too busy to provide what she was needing but didn't tell me. I think it mostly boils down to lack of communication and not expressing eachothers needs.
We talked a week ago to get her side of things on a message I saw that I didn't like. I think I saw it out of conext and I can believe it looked worse than what it was. She also talked about how I close her off and how it makes her feel like I don't love her and she has the same fears I do. I talked to her about how my feelings switch for her, back and fourth from one extreme to another. For better or for worse she knows. I don't like that my feelings change like that, and it is confusing to feel that way, and I am sure it is worse for her. To love someone and not have them love you back, for seemingly no reason. She says she cries herself to sleep sometimes because she doesn't know if I want to stay or go. She says most of the time she doesnt know how to cope. She waits until I get home to see if I am happy or not. I don't know what to tell her but the truth and how I feel at that moment. Sometimes it is love and affections and other times I want nothing to do with her and withdraw.
She also said she doesn't want things to end. She can't see a life for herself without me. One thing she said troubled me and I don't know what to do about it, except talk about it in therapy. She told me if I left her, she wouldn't have a reason to live and wouldn't know how to make it alone.
I think there is two ways to interept that. One she is lying and using a sensitive subject to manipulate me, or she would be so distraught about being alone she couldn't cope. I think it is more the second. I don't think she could make it alone.
There is something important that make me want to stay and work things out. She tries the best she can to help me and wants to be there for me. She has seen the worse of my depression and knows all about it and still loves me. I don't know if I would be able to find someone who would want to have a spouse that has that, and want to help. It sounds good in theory and there are caring people out there, but I have a marriage that can provide that and has hope to be better. I don't even know how to start to look for that. Do you fall in love with someone and then say or by the way "sometime in the future I know I will feel depressed and probable lack motivation for anything." I know depression is a genuine illness like anyhing else, but it does but hardhsips on releationships, and Sarah is will to help me better deal with that.
She can also look past my scars from self harm. I feel a lot of guilt and shame for them and I don't know if I could explain it to someone new. I feel ok about them with her, and I dont feel self consious about hiding them. I know it pains her to see them, and the recent self harm has hurt her to see, but she doesn't make me feel bad for doing it. I think I would shut down if I opened up to someone about it, and they got aggressive or made me feel bad for it.
We are still in marriage counseling and things have been good the last week after our talk. I feel better about things at the moment.