Short background, I have been depressed forever. Been in therapy forever. Been on (what seems like) every single med and med combination known to man. Have PTSD with some dissociation issues (not full blown DID by any stretch) too. I have been in out of the hospital so many times I can no longer count. Last year it was 4 times. Those were inpatient. I've been in outpatient day programs too. My last one being Feb 1-end of March. It did nothing.

So my psychiatrist is urging me to do ECT. He has been maintaining that I should do it all along the time I've been seeing him. The psychiatrists that I have seen before (in the hospital and outpatient) all have told me I should do ECT. I have been staunchly opposed. My main concern is the risk to my memory. I am a single mom to 3 children who are very high needs and really cannot afford to lose memory function. My therapist of 5 years is the only professional who has voiced concern. His experience has been that people with dissociative issues can be exacerbated.

Presently, I am in a very bad place. I have been for 18 months now. I am usually in a bad place but it has been much worse over the past year and a half. I constantly think about wanting to die all day. I see nothing in the future for me. I believe therapy, meds, etc. is useless. I hate going to bed because when I close my eyes everything feels so black and scary. I really only care about my children. They are the ones keeping me going. They are leaving, however, 2 weeks from now to stay with their father who lives in another state for 6 weeks. My shrink thinks I should check myself inpatient and do the ECT then. I am at a point that my resolve is gone and I do not care. I think I'm just going to do it and screw the consequences.

I don't know what I hope to gain from posting this. Suggestions? Experiences - good or bad? Whatever? I just would appreciate some support I guess. I am at my end. This is the last option and I feel like I am just rolling the dice. There is no telling what the results will be. I am truly terrified. Absolutely terrified.