Thank you for the replies. I don't take any medication. We lost out insurance in the "Hostess" shut down. 16 years ago I had a traumatic event. My doctor tried to get me to take Buspar, but the way I looked at it, medication wasnt going to change what had happened, I felt the medication would just delay me dealing with, so why not deal with it at the present. That was just how I dealt with things. So strong and sure. Now I am just a mess that people tiptoe around. I keep sunglasses in my car and pocketbook because heaven only knows what may trigger a crying spell. Of course I'm not out that often. At home I keep a headache mask so I can at least pass the cryin off on headaches and cover my puffy eyes in the process.
I don't want to be this person I am. I don't know how to be her. But I do not know how to get away from it. I have reasoned with myself, I have begged, I have prayed. Nothing. I cannot afford dr visits or medications. I just can't. The only way I am able to see a therapist is because I happened upon a pilot program the University here has.
I am on Mirena (birth control implant). I have to be on it. I have a blood issue that basically requires it.
I sit at times and talk myself up and assure myself today is the day to make a change. I promise myself no matter what... I can do it. Only to open my eyes in the morning and feel totally overwhelmed at having to go through another day.
I feel guilty, I have a friend with a 4 yr old that is battling cancer and would love to have the health I have. I try to guilt myself into motivation. NOTHING does it. For the most part I would rather sleep because if I am asleep, I don't feel and I don't think. I'm afraid this is the early stages of losing my mind and it scares me so badly. It scares me to be someone I don't know.