First I would just like give a big thanks to everyone in the Psych Central forums! This has been an invaluable tool of learning and support. I can only hope to try to give back as half of what I've received. Anyway, on to my story...

Holy smokes! Being aware of my hypomania gave me a very similar feeling to what I got from cocaine or a lower dose of meth (not proud, but I have a pretty good knowledge of how these feel).

I first got an inkling of what was going while at work. I currently work as a night stocker in retail, and I was pulling some sweet (and uncharacteristic for the normally quiet 6' tall 230lb former Marine my coworkers are used to) dance moves while stocking shelves and listening to Michael Jackson. But, I mean, the King of Pop can make anyone dance, right? So kinda brushed this off.

After work, I got home feeling feeling electric so I took my dogs for a about a fairly brisk paced through the park. Two hours later, my pups are starting to drag, but I still feel like a million bucks, so I drop them at home, and went and jogged for another half hour. I returned home, a big ball of sweat and stank. So I hopped in the shower and would've been singing at the top of my lungs if it was 4 am and everyone else in the house sleeping.

Well, at this point my body was tiring, but the old brainbox is still moving a million miles a minute, so I sit down at the computer. Bad bad bad idea. I remembered sending messages to two exes on 'ye olde' Facebook. Harumph! One of them we have a pretty solid dislike for each other, and the other was the first love of my life who ripped my heart out (which was the catalyst fro my acceleration from daily drinker to 'if I'm awake, I'm drinking' (to be fair, it wasn't fun, but if I hadn't had that downturn, I may never have gotten sober, so eh...)). Anyway, after buzzing around the house for a while longer and calling a couple buddies I haven't talked to in a while, I started to get sleepy. So, I slept for a solid 18 hours and woke in the grips of' I wouldn't say a terrible depression, maybe more just an extreme case of the 'blaahhhs'.

So I drag myself out of bed, smoke a cig and sit down at the computer. I remembered sending those messages to the ex's, but didn't think it as that big of a deal, "I only wrote about a paragraph to each, right?" WRONG. To each I sent about a rambling, all over the place 1000 word essay. And to the one who I had thought I found love with, I also sent an additional couple hundred word addendum. This is the one I am truly angry at myself for. It was very passive aggressive, something I dislike in others, and hate in myself. It was all about how ****ed up this last year has been for me, and in not so many words telling her it's all her fault, but 'don't worry because I wouldn't have gotten sober either". I feel like a true jackass for this, because I don't really believe that at all. She was a part of it, but I had a lot of other serious **** packed way way down into the recesses of my brain waiting to pop up as soon as I was sober enough to let it.

Anyway, neither has responded, so the best I can hope is that they both saw that it was me, and it sent early in the morning and thought "oh... him... at 4:00 am... I'll just delete this." Finger crossed...

Anyway thanks for reading my rant. I'm going to crawl back in bed and pray I can get back to sleep.