I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober since April 25, 2009. However, I feel I have another addiction, which has again brought me to my knees. I am a compulsive gambler. I figured this was just a "phase" or "character defect" of mine. But it is much worse. I feel the exact same way I did on day one of sobriety. Alone, confused, scared. I have alienated everyone in my life, I have isolated, lied, stolen, manipulated and done everything on the face of the Earth to preserve my addiction. I guess hearing about "secondary addictions" from other alcoholics made me think that gambling was "unimportant" or could be treated in a sort of "secondary" way. I feel like a fraud, phony. I'd pretend among my friends like I didn't understand why my family and I didn't get along, even though the entire time, I knew exactly why: because I was a liar, dishonest to the core about my problem. Gambling is easy to hide for a while. There are no outward signs, no physical symptoms. It is simply the money and the mental anguish. The only thing people ever notice is when the coccoon of lies begins to unravel. I'm just spilling this out because I won't have contact with anyone about this issue until Monday. Right now, my Dad, Sister and family are emptying my apartment out. It was a disaster because I simply abandoned it after I couldn't afford it. Very selfish of me to just leave like that. I tried pushing my Dad out of my life prior to the whole thing collapsing around me. I was sleeping outdoors for a couple of days. I lost the ability to have a cell phone, so calling anyone was out of the question. I was lucky, I ran into a fellow alcoholic who offered to put me up until I got back on my feet. God put someone there for me so I wouldn't have to suffer any more. I don't want to gamble, I don't want to compulsively eat, I don't want to be the lying piece of trash that I feel I am most of the time. I am a smart guy. I am educated, I accomplished a lot in my short life (I am 28 as I write this). But right now, everything seems so insurmountable. I know recovery is possible because I have stayed sober from alcohol and drugs for 4 years now. But I don't see myself attaining any of my goals anytime soon. I want to hide but I know if I hide, I stay sick. So I won't hide, at least not from the help. I'll probably remain hidden from my family, mainly out of fear, but also because I think my presence at this point would do more harm than good. The hurtful lies and the untruthfully hateful remarks I hurled at my Father in an effort to push him away seem too raw and real at this time. No amount of sincerity is going to mend that relationship anytime soon. The lies I have told my friends seem to be forgiven at the moment. I guess at times I felt like some paragon of virtue at AA meetings because I wasn't the one chasing newcomer girls around to get laid or using drugs to cope with not drinking. But I had this sick, debilitating addiction to hang on to. It has ruined me for the time being. It has had a crippling effect on me that I have not felt in a long time. I have forgotten what the bottom feels like. I know what it looks like because I see it in the face and life of every newcomer I have ever met in AA. But the feeling...that's what I forgot. That's what I am reminded of now. The pain, the misery, the starting over. I don't want to "start over" again, I am 28 years old. I should be all grown up by now, living a life with marriage and a career and kids. Instead I lost my job, my residence, my self-respect and my sanity all to play cards. I feel like a child. I have so much work to do. I have so many fences to mend. I know it is truly a "one day at a time" thing when it comes to working through my problems and issues. As I said, I'm just ranting here to save my sanity. I feel like if I just toss this honesty out there (5th step-style), maybe it'll provide some relief. Wanna hear a good one? I was in law school. Yeah, and where I went to school, there are 3 casinos within short travelling distance. So guess where I went instead of class? Yep. Flunked out. Idiot. But I wasn't above pretending I was still in school, going so far as to fake like I was getting ready to graduate and move on with my life. I even faked like I was going to take some big-shot job in another city. Really, I was just going to run to see my friend there and "change things." He was kind enough but I know if I disconnect from the help, it'll never get better. I'll end up homeless in a place where I know no one, rather than a place where I have people. I am done now. I can't think of anything else to confess at this point. In fact, I think that might be it for the time being. All I know right now is that being broke and homeless has provided me with one very powerful gift, that I can't gamble if I don't have money. I could go see a loan shark but I don't even know one, which is a blessing.