Almost wasn't. It's been a rough couple of months. I think the meds and the therapy helped for a while, but it seems to have stopped. I am overwhelmed with dread, and I still have these "episodes" of absolute gut-wrenching horror, like I know something's out to get me, but I also no there's nothing. At least, not any more.
I've been drawing a lot, and my therapist thinks I should get them professionally published and eventually talk to a "survivors" group, or something like that. I don't think I'll ever be ready for something like that, not when I can't even utter the few sentences it would take to just tell him what happened. He seems to think that something much worse had happened to me when I was a toddler, and it has something to do with the fact that I literally deleted my father's head.
I have avoided a lot of the problematic facebook pages, the ones that publish the blatant child pornography. But every once in a while, I'll stumble on a page chock-full of it, and I freeze. I report every photo, the page, send feedback and send the link to the Center for Missing & Exploited Children, and I make my way upstairs with shaking limbs so I can just sit and hide in the closet in my bathroom until the terror goes. The offending pages usually are deleted shortly after that, but...some of those pages have 10K+ "likes." And it makes me hate every single stranger I see, every face I don't know could be a potential predator. It's a silly, stupid and unpractical thought, but it's always there.
Anyway, I just wanted to drop a line to let you guys know I'm still here, still kicking, and always fighting. But sometimes it's so hard to keep fighting, ya know? I just want things to go back to normal, back when I had successfully separated myself from the abuse and molestations. The doc and the therapist said that there is no going back to that, and all the drugs in the world don't seem to do a damn thing about it. It would be so easy to give up. This world is full of monsters dressed like human beings.
Oh well.