At the top of my list, and it's a biggie for me, is the fear of permanent memory issues. I know two people who have had ECT that had long lasting problems. I mean one of them could only remember things if she wrote things down in her datebook. She was late for everything...totally flaky. She was single and had no kids so it was inconvenient but really had no one depending on her. I have a lot to keep track of with my three kids. All of them have mental health issues plus my youngest is extremely high needs with delays and learning disabilities. Each of them is in a different school which start at different times and dismiss at different times. I have to keep track of meds, dr appts, homework, and a bunch of other stuff. I mean with my youngest I have to be on top of our routine non-stop. Their father lives 8 hours away and is absolutely no help whatsoever. There is no one else but me to take care of my children or even just help. It's just me.

Another issue is that while my kids are away with their dad, I still have to be available to them on the phone. I need to make sure they're getting their meds, that they have enough and if they don't I have to refill them and mail them up there, I also need to be there just for emotional support as they're dad and grandma are rather rigid and demanding and hurtful. I have been able to swing all that while inpatient in the past. I mean I had to call my friend and have him do the refilling and mailing but the kids were mostly set. If I'm getting ect though, I do not know how I'll respond and whether I'll even remember my kids should they try to call me. It takes a lot of work to coordinate meds and all that and if I'm out of it and can't do it there really isn't anyone else to head that up. Plus, I don't exactly savor the idea of telling them I'm having ECT and the potential side effects that may come. For one thing, I DON'T want their dad to know as he is always threatening to take them from me. And I don't want them to feel like they have to keep it a secret from other people but also don't want them just spilling forth that information to just anyone and getting weird ideas about me.

Another fear I have is that my psychiatrist is not affiliated with a hospital anymore so I would be under the care of a different one who doesn't know me or barely knows me. The one who does ect at the hospital I'd hopefully go to is not exactly overflowing with compassion and understanding. He was my dr when I was in partial earlier this year and I really didn't care for him. My worries are that he isn't going to be respectful of my concerns, that I'll be too "out of it" from the ect to make intelligent decisions about my care while there and that he's going to make crazy changes to my meds that are going to make me worse. My hope would be that he would collaborate with my outpatient psychiatrist but I know I can't really expect that to happen. My dr is wonderful and would be happy to have input into my treatment with the inpatient dr, but I don't see inpatient dr making the effort to do that.

Sorry for the book. Even though that's long I hope it clarifies why I'm so freaked out.