Thanks guys. Leed, something so horrific happened when I was around 3 or 4 that I had created "monsters" to cope with what was done to me. I think it was the only way my fragile toddler mind could deal with it, because back then, grownups were to be trusted; they could NEVER be "monsters." A lot of what happened there is foggy at best. My father picked me up by my hair and threw me 10 or 15 feet across the room and into a wall. Mom thought he had killed me...it was all because I tried to stop them from fighting and I wanted lunch. (Like I said, I literally deleted his face from my mind; all I can see is him sitting on a chair, wrapping a leather belt around his hands and then there's just darkness where his head should be). I know that mental illness runs rampant on my father's side of the family, and I worry so much for my own son. At least I sheltered him enough to keep him from the terrible things my sisters and I had to live through.

I know what happened when I was 5. I found out the hard way that my aunt's husband was a pedo, but I didn't realize what it meant back then. Now, if I try to speak it out loud, my throat literally closes up and it feels like I'm being strangled from the inside out and once it starts, it's so painful that I freeze. I informed my doc and therapist that *IF* I was able to move during one of these episodes, I really would end myself just to escape the terror, but "lucky" for me, I can't move once it's begun.

What kills me is a year ago, before my break down, I could totally say what had happened because I had still disconnected myself from the event - it was like watching it happen to someone else. Once my "coping mechanisms" failed (no thanks to all of those horrific facebook pictures and pages), it was like I was back there, literally reliving the terror of a child and seeing it all in its technicolor horror. I can talk "around" it, and even then, it gets a little nerve-wracking.

I think I might write it down on a piece of paper and give it to my therapist. I draw so many pictures, I wish there was a way I could post them here but I can't seem to figure it out. They're dark, but they kind of explain what's in my mind. He thinks a lot of it's metaphoric, and it doesn't really make sense until he explains it back to me. I just thought I was doodling down the monsters from my nightmares.

Anyway, thanks again. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long, I forgot my password and lost the website from my toolbar thingamabobber. I finally found it yesterday, and not a day too soon.