Hey I'm not feeling so okay at the moment...needless to say, thinking about this might only make me more sad, but i have to get this out.. I don't know how to feel happy and worry-free anymore... It seems like my life is kinda falling apart right in front of my eyes.. I have to deal with this relationship, and deal with my grades as well, and also manage to get a full night of sleep(I'm usually sleep deprived). Ok so I've been starting to feel even worse, yes the advice helped, but not for long, as i'm not sure what to do at this point, my boyfriend and i are still together, and I'm not sure how much more of it i can take, I keep thinking long and hard about what the real reason i'm break up with him. I can only point to one thing...the death threats. I see these coming mostly from when i can't spend time with him... and i feel if i break up with him right now by text, he would end up killing himself... :l and now that im more busy due to school and home.. these threat come more and more.. He constantly want me to love him..Yet how can i love someone who makes me feel like i did when my dad passed as i kid...i couldn't do nothing about it and i guarantee i'd also feel the guilt for being the one to not be there to stop him...
I know i have to be there but i just need to have the time two, with all these projects, i can't make it to him until Wednesday (May 29)...and i don't know how i cant keep up the act much longer...(the act i put on that i still feel that i love him) this is because of the words "i love you" , i don't believe I'm in love with him....and he makes me feel bad for this. should i keep up this act, despite knowing that he might hurt himself if i'm not there? would it be best to keep up the act then deal with it on Wednesday? Should i feel bad for lying about loving him still? please help :'( i want to feel like i can be worry free for once, I want to be the happy kid i was before all of this... Its almost as if his anxiety causes me to have anxiety as well. I feel there is consensus between us, which was the biggest mistake ever... that's what makes me not feel the same about him, i don't think i ever will either... I'm supposed to be asleep because i need to work on projects and essays, and a research paper all due on Tuesday, and i can't even sleep, i'm tired of crying, and i hope you're reading because i need help.
Tears on this keyboard as i type,
I just wish i could sleep tonight
As I'm terrified he can't put up a fight,
I Just hope that my future is alright...
He's damaged by the love i don't requite..
Leaving me stressed out and hurt this night...

Any comments can help....i need some guidance..