is not a good time of year for me. I love the holidays dont get me wrong. Its just that my mind wont let go of the bad things that happened more than 20 years ago. So it is this time of year i become more clingy to my hubby...I feel like I need to be with him at all times. I dont like being left alone!! Being left alone was when it all started. My mom left me alone because I was sick and she needed to go to work. I was 9!!!! Staying at home alone. That is until he came home and decided that he would take advantage of the situation. My mom even came home and caught me in her bed with him!!!!! Why didnt she say anything!! Why didnt she question it????? She saw me in her bed and left me there to go back to work. Why????? I know I will never get the answers I want, I need. It was that day that I learned fear! I had a step dad before this one that molested me, but after the 2nd time I told my dad and begged him not to make me go home again. That step dad scared me. The abuse had started and ended in a matter of 3 weeks with my first step dad... but not this one!!!! You see he was an ex-marine, and ex-military police officer. He was at that time a DPS officer.. Why would they believe me over him??? they wouldnt!!!!! they didnt!!!!! This man put the power of fear in me that i have a hard time today shaking off!!!!

He told me that he would teach me how to please a man! He would teach me what it was that every man wanted. I was 9 and I only weighed about 45lbs if that!!!!! I will never forget the sound of my jaw popping as he forced my head down over him. my jaw hurt so bad, but he wouldnt let me quit!!!! not until he was finished.... when he finished I was sick.. Sick from having my jaw pop the way it did, sick from the taste of him in my mouth, sick because he was touching me and kissing me. just sick!!!! I was sick to my stomach. I ran to the bath room throwing up and throwing up! He convinced my mom that I must have a stomach bug or something. I tried to tell her but I couldn't. He hovered over me. He threatened to take my mother away... he threatened to make my life hell if I ever told! he took every opportunity to touch me or make me give him oral sex that he could!!! If I fought back he would just hold me down!!!! He would beat me for fighting back and then make up a story to tell my mother as to why I had brusies. like I lied to him when I hadnt, or that I did something that I didnt do!!!!

I lived in fear for 8 years, never knowing when he would pull his little stunts.. he even went as far as to make me promise to let him be the first one I had sex with! Thank god that never happened.

Here I am 29 years old, I was 17 when he last touched me. I finally took a stand and told him that if he ever touched me again I would kill him and I meant every word of it! At times I can still smell the smells, taste the tastes. I still freak out when I am alone. I cant handle being by myself!

I am sorry if this post rambles on and on!!! i just had to get it out today for some reason!!!!