Your input is appreciated C and Christina

Maybe anger is the right motivation for me. Its the only emotion I'm completely comfortable with anyway...

Assistance; Mom gets an old age pension, and I get a tiny grant to help out with Jordan bcoz her "father" is MIA. Thats all that's available to us.

Obligations: I've cut out most family members and friends who only look for me to play Dr Phil. Even my sister; we used to be very close. I was always running to her side, sometimes borrowing busfair to get to her, and always left Jordan with mom so that she'd have my full attention. Cut her out because she was never available / able to reciprocate. So yes, one sided relationships are out. And even the ones I still hold onto, I stay away when I'm struggling, bcoz they'll dump on me too.

Household obligations; I inherited when dad died. Breadwinner, bill payer, debt collector slayer. Nobody asked me if I wanted those obligations, they just became mine. The reasoning there is that my older siblings don't live here, so the mess my dad left my mom is not their problem its mine because I'm the oldest child in the house.

Financially I give my agreed / obligatory contribution, but its never enough. There are always other expenses popping up, so no Lia you can't have that pair of Jeans because mom ran out of money again. So give your cut to her too. This happens every month, has happened every pay day for the last 3 yrs, and used to happen frequently even while dad was alive because he was always short somehow. Lord knows maybe the man had a secret drug problem. Wait no they did an autopsy, maybe he gambled in secret, idk why he was always looking at my purse...

If I bought 3 items in the last 12 months that were just for me, my pleasure, then its ALOT! I go shopping and spend money on house, Jordan, mom. Christmas I was pissed at myself because I went to the mall to get me some nice new clothes, came back with outfits for mom, gary and lots for Jo.... I got a new coffee mug. I DO THAT ALOT. Because they need it more, I don't outgrow things, so my clothes are fine, I must spend the money on them

So even when they don't ask, they get my money. Last week I gave my mom my busfair without knowing how to replace it. (My friend bailed me out thankfuly)

I work my butt off and have nothing to show for it. Well not nothing, but when and if I ever get to move out, I don't get to take the washing machine, fridge or kettle do I? Not one of the appliances or "what you have it" is mine. It belongs to the house/mom.

So that ^ pisses me off. How can you work for nearly 10 yrs and have nothing to your name? Not even a tv or a laptop.

I'm now able to (mostly) hold down a job without running for the hills after 2 months, but I don't find longterm employment, ha! How ironic. I have registered with recruitment agencies, so I'm hoping with my heart of hearts they find a placement for me, and that it turns out to be a longterm gig.

So home is an obligation I can't shirk, even though I don't want it. I mean I've never even lived on my own but I'm saddled with legal shyt pertaining to this house. People threatening to chuck us out or turn off our water. I'm the one calling around setting things straight, putting out fires or we'll end up on the street. And mid - month when the money runs dry, mommy looks to me to find more (but vehemently denies that she does any such thing). I have to run around asking friends or family for loans till month end because the cupboards ran bare. I fkn hate it! And when its time to pay those mini loans back, who do you think mommy looks at?

Yip, 10/10 for you

So now, I'm cleaning up shyt, looking for a job, budgeting so tightly so that Jordan's transport and schooling is paid up till November (becoz Idk when I'll work again). Also have to see to it that she has sufficient Winter clothing and school uniform. The job I'm leaving is driving me absolutely bonkers! I swear I hyperventilate and get a headache 15 minutes after arriving every morning! I keep getting sick (2 months now) Athough I think all that honey and ginger dosing accomplished what my antibiotics failed to.
And this is all just driving me completely batty!!! The tiniest things send me flying off the handle throwing shyt around and cussing outloud... Yes this distresses mom and Jordan, so I retreat to my room and blast metal all night...

I had plans to save money for the next 8 months or so and move early next year, because there was a job promised to me. Now that fell through and I'm stuck indefinitly once again. I HATE uncertainty

I have very little time to myself, work takes up 13 hrs of my day, then I spend 2 to 4 with Jordan, and then the time left after prepping for the next day is spent reading in my bed because its fkn cold, I dont want to be anywhere but bed in my free time because of the cold. See bf maybe once a week if I'm lucky, so he's not a timesnatcher or draining, but a welcome reprieve from all thissss. Other than bf time and reading, nothing is dedicated to me. Ultmately I don't have a life. I lost it somewhere along the way when responsiblity first consumed my existance.

Yes C, this is not how I pictured 30 being. I didn't think I'd have it all together, especially not with all these setbacks, but I imagined I'd atleast be working my way there... Everyone is moving forward, carving out their futures, compared to them I really don't have one. It saddens me.That's why I said I'll wait and see for 1 more year.

Maybe my life isn't so bad at all. Maybe I just suck at being grown-up.

On a positive note. Despite having no energy and zero inclination, I springcleaned my room, my new room makes me feel better to a certain degree.