(((eurocharm)))

I'm sorry that you've led such a difficult life. I can understand your hesitation to share these intimate details with your T. In my personal experience, it takes a while for enough comfort and safety to build between a T and myself to the point that I can discuss major issues that haunt my life. I believe that this tendency is pretty common...especially when a person has been hiding scars for so long. They don't just go away once we're in therapy.

I know that it's hard for you to share the depth of your dark emotions with others, but you could contact your T's office. You could tell her that you are up against some major hurdles and you honestly can't wait another month for your next visit. Can you please be put onto her "cancellation list"? You won't have to go into details of these major hurdles over the phone, but they may ask if you're feeling suicidal. No, not suicidal ~ but you feel trapped and overwhelmed. Those are perfectly valid reasons to see your T more often.

Different cultures live differently. In my Western civilization-mind, your mom has said some very cruel things to you. Hurtful thoughts. Your emotions are perfectly valid in my opinion. I know that some cultures absolutely adore boys, and girls are viewed as a heavy weight to the household. It sounds absolutely cruel to me! I cannot imagine the emotions that come with the territory.

My own family was very unhealthy. I was always encouraged to "act like a big girl" and "be seen and not heard". We too kept dark skeletons in the closet until I was a teenager and could no longer live with what was happening in my life. Little by little, very slowly, some skeletons were let free. I continued to hold others deep inside myself for another 20 years ~ until I just couldn't take it anymore. So, I can relate to an extent, with some of what you've had to endure.

Very gentle hugs sent your way...and welcome to Psych Central!