It took me a very long time to get clean. I went to rehab seven times and when I got out I didn't last more than 2 weeks before I would use again. It wasn't until I went many states away to long term rehab for 6 months that I got clean and have stayed clean since 11/21/2005. I realized that the only way I could stay clean was to change people, places, and things. After the six months I stayed and it was the best decision I ever made. I knew if I went back I would follow the same pattern I had for years. I stayed away for years before I even came back for a visit and it was the best decision I ever made.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through but please don't be to hard on yourself and dwell on this for to long. Accept what happened and try to learn from it and move on. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. It wasn't until I realized that my life would never get any better until I did something about and I reached out and asked for help. Please don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.