I've been with my wife since almost 20 years. I had girlfriends and passionate moments before her, but she was my first, in many ways, including my first love. She remains the only woman I have ever loved.

My wife, more than me, comes from a strong Christian background. She was very restrained in our physical lives. After we married, we had a lot of problems in the bed room. I doubt we spent an hour a month having sex even during our first year together. In retrospect, I could have made that situation better. By late 1998 or early 1999, I had come to the conclusion there just wouldn't be much sex in my life. I turned to internet porn.

Since then, I have lied repeatedly to cover my ***. But last year, I failed to delete some content from our computer. She confronted me, and I admitted it. She was devastated, but over the next few month our sex lives soared. Then crashed. As time has gone on, I have had to face just how much I damaged her, and her realization of my lies and betrayal has grown too.

I read Gottman, and realized what I did was truly infidelity. She feels unattractive, hurt, can't trust me. I have had to face the fact that I watched images where women were being exploited for money... Probably disease ridden women, prostitutes, people relying on drugs to "perform", young uneducated women who were being exploited or who couldn't foresee the consequences of making a movie clip and putting it on the Net.

My wife loves me, and I love her deeply. I haven't touched anything pornographic in a year. Sex isn't so important to me anymore. She is repulsed by me sexually, and has told me many times she has considered leaving me, and that she may never have sex with me again.

For the past year, I have been trying to connect with her deeply (as per Gottman) and trying to spoil her (101 nights of great romance) with NO expectations of sex. We have been in counselling as well. Progress has been limited.

I'm married to a gem, a beautiful, intelligent, educated woman who was pure to me before our marriage. I didn't care for her as I should have, and damn near lost her. I never nurtured HER, I never tried to connect with deep emotion.

What else can i do? I want to hear from women that have been through this. What could your husband have done to connect with you and make you feel special again after this type of infidelity? I want to help her heal. How can we move forward?

RDM