When I was turning 30 years old my wife threw me a surprise party... 20 of my best friends showed up and we had a blast.

Tomorrow I am turning 40. This week my (ex)wife and my kids are moving the last of their things out of my house. I found out my then wife wanted a divorce about 3 months ago. I was completely shocked. I knew we had problems, but nothing that I thought was beyond repair. We have 3 children together- 8, 4 and 2 years old that mean the world to me. My favorite thing every day is reading them books at night and brushing their teeth and giving them kisses and tucking them into bed. I have tried very hard to be a wonderful father, I take my kids to the park, I play with them, I go to every event that I can at their school/day care/etc. But I guess my wife and I have been drifting apart. When she told me she wanted a divorce I was devastated... I suggested counseling, group therapy, etc.

The divorce itself happened very fast. She had been planning it for months so she had all her ducks in a row. I was completely blind-sighted. She had been under legal counsel for months, I could only afford to see an attorney for a few hours one morning and then was on my own. I did manage to get joint legal custody of the kids and since the house was mine before I met my wife, I got full legal rights to the house as well. We decided to wait and not tell the kids about the divorce until after our oldest child got out for summer break. Her last day of 2nd grade was last Thursday, so on Saturday we all sat down and told the kids about the divorce. We had no idea how they would take it, but I never in a million years expected the response we did get. After explaining that they would be moving in to a new house (without their Daddy) they got really excited and started packing up their toys.

I know in my heart that my kids love me, and I know they don't really understand what is happening, but right now I just cannot watch them pack up all the toys that I watched them get over birthdays, XMas, Easter, etc. Toys that I personally picked out for them and bought for them when they were home sick. My daughter picked out a picture of her and me and said "Don't worry Daddy, I will hang this picture of you in my new room and I can remember you!" I guess they are going to be fine without me. The thought of not being there to read to my kids every night and tuck them in bed or see their face when they can't sleep in the middle of the night is killing me. I understand that my marriage is over, and in reality I am ok with that. All told we were together for 16 years, and over the last few years we drifted apart. But damn it those are my kids too, and how is it right that she can just take them away from me!!

Like I said earlier, I have joint legal custody of my children. But as anyone who has gone through divorce knows, that doesn't mean "joint time" with the children. I get the kids every other weekend, every other holiday, and a couple of hours every Thursday. This is the part that I am having the hardest time with, and the part my ex-wife just doesn't seem to grasp in terms of its significance. In the span of two months when my ex-wife decided (after months of legal advise and the advise of her bitter 5-times-married now-single-again mother) that I go from being with my children every day (lets see that's 365 days) to every other weekend and 2 hours on Thursday? I have spoken to many friends, counselors, people who have gone through divorce, and almost everyone says the same thing: You must do what is in the best interest of the children. And deep down inside, I know it is in the best interest of the children to not be living at mom's house one week, then packing up and living at dad's house next week. But I am completely... utterly, heartbroken.

This is the last week they will all be living in my house. Officially I have been divorced for over a month now, but we were waiting to move things until we told the kids. This is the last week I will ever have with my kids in the wonderful house that we have lived in the last 10 years, the house that I will have to sell because I can't pay the mortgage by myself. I have to watch as they box up their toys and their life and move out. And I have to box up whats left of my life and sell my house and move back in with my parents. I don't even know if I should bother. Tomorrow I turn 40. Sorry for such a long post.